Recently I've been avoiding both the thinking and the doing. I've been in a holding pattern now for awhile, waiting for something to happen. They say, "God helps those who help themselves", but I'm not quite sure what I want to help myself achieve.
Probably because I want it all.
I spent the weekend with a friend and today we looked at some open houses in the Brighton Ontario area. Waterfront properties, in a small town, surrounded by small towns, where my husband and I neither live nor work. All the while I imagined a new life I have yet to create.
I talked about the research I would have to do in each neighbourhood before putting in an offer on each house. I imagined all of the renovations they might need or would benefit from if we wanted to improve them. I mentally put our furniture in the spaces and repainted the walls. I knew where we'd golf, and where we'd moor our boat and what the boat would look like. I saw the car I want to buy. I talked about the garden I'd have and the canning I'd do. I figured out where my husband might work and what I'd do if I did or didn't work. I talked about raising our family there.
I love the dreams and fantasies I created there today. These are the fantasies I create every day.
From my constant mind wanderings you would think I wanted to change my current situations. But rather the contrary, I love my life, my husband, my family, my friends, my home, my career. But I keep dreaming about all of the other possibilities, all of the other opportunities, all of the other.....
So how do I move forward with anything? I'm like the kid who wants to play tennis, learn to ride a horse, dance, play soccer, paint, and then tomorrow it's something new. I want it all and I pursue none of it.
And so instead of letting God help me by helping myself, I wait to see what opportunity, dream or fantasy presents itself.
I have always wanted to be a Boradway star, but I have never persued that dream, not in any aggressive manner, instead I sing with the windows open in the car, while I'm walking down the street, while I'm working, because I dream a producer/director/agent will hear me and say "YOU! We want YOU!"
And so here I wait in limbo, a holding pattern of sorts...should I wait or should I persue one of my many daily fantasies, in the hope that it doesn't end up in the closet with the chess set, book club bestseller and bonsai tree?
With Love
~sarah~
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Location:Jackson Ct,Kanata,Canada
