To my daughter, this I wish for you

Monkey May fell asleep in the car on the way home tonight. When we arrived home we remembered that we had forgotten to remake her bed. Instead of fussing with that, and risk her waking, we decided to bring her to our bed to sleep instead, since she occasionally shows up to join us in the middle of the night anyway.

As I crawl in beside her, I see her silhouette in the almost dark room and I gaze in wonder at this amazing child of mine. I don't often get all sentimental but when I do, I feel how full of love I am for her and how much joy she brings me.

She makes me think of all of the amazing women in my life and all of these thoughts make me nostalgic for the friends who are far, those who fill my heart, those who bring me joy, those women who are still in my life although I don't see them or even speak with them nearly enough. I think of all of these women often and wish I was better at keeping in touch.

And in thinking of all of these women and my daughter, I think of the three good fairies who blessed Princess Aurora in sleeping beauty. And so I wish the following for my daughter;
That you are:
- as strong as my Nerds
- as passionate as my Leo
- as discerning as my Acadian
- as harmonious as my Libra
- as free-spirited as my Earth
- as ardent as my Gabrielle
- as honest as Ms. Kind
- as generous as your not-your-Godmother
- as supportive as my Maven
- as assertive as my sister
- as understanding as my sister-in-law
- as business-minded as your aunt
- as venerable as my Mutti
- as empathetic as my Nanny
- as compassionate and as gracious as my mother

May you embody all of these and more. You are truly a part of my heart.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Happy New Year 2016

I often try to start blogging at the beginning of a new year, as it seems like a great time to start, but it doesn't last very long. It's a therapeutic, fresh start kinda thing and so here I go again.

I have a lot of work on my plate ahead, at least for the beginning of the year, but hopefully some of it is going to continue throughout the year and some for years to come. 

I have an anxiety inducing show in two weeks that both excites me and makes me want to throw up, usually flipping from one to the other but sometimes simultaneously. I'm afraid of embarrassing myself, of not being well enough prepared, of having made a bad decision, of ruining it for others if I mess up, of being in over my head, of never getting cast in anything ever again. But I'm so excited. Excited to be on stage, excited to flex my theatre and music and some "dance" (movement) skills, of the improv that is required, of the trust that has been placed on me, of the trust that I have placed on everyone else (who I don't even know!!!), of the beauty of this process and this opportunity and the fun I know it will be. I'm sure I'll have more to say about it after it's done...you know, if I'm still blogging.

Then there's the direct marketing business I've taken on. Similarly another anxiety inducing project that excites me and makes me want to throw up. If I know anything about myself and my life...these are a great way to feel about things...it usually means it's EXACTLY what I should be doing. Succeed or fail, this opportunity will teach me lessons and help me move forward in my dream, no matter the direction I end up taking.

Lastly, I continue to do some volunteer administration work, and this is the only black mark on my current view. I did not understand the ramifications of what I signed up for. I've made quite the giant FUBAR mess of things. And the whole thing makes me very upset every time I sit down to work on it. I feel pressure, I feel like I don't have the right time or effort to devote to it and mostly, I feel that it is taking valuable time away from my family.  I need to make a very hard decision about which path to take on this...and either way people are going to be upset, and there's nothing more that I hate than upsetting people. However, I'm learning...slowly...that I don't have to sacrifice myself in order to make others happy. 

These are obviously the big events and activities I'm looking at on the horizon. Otherwise, I go back to work again on Monday. The lanscape has changed slightly, much to both my dismay and happiness. But at the end of the day I adore my job and really feel like that I'm part of a system that is helping others while I myself get to help others directly.

There are many things I'd love to start doing regularly; clearing out our space, singing, meditation, blogging, reading, baking and some form of enjoyable, maintainable (and free) exercise. But when I list them like that...along with all of the bigger things, it feels like too much.

And the most important things I haven't even listed yet, the things that override every other item on this list are my family and myself. I want to make sure that the time I spend with my children and my husband is time where I am present, aware and open. I also want to make sure that I am focusing on me, actively (instead of passively which is more my style). I know that in order to succeed and feel awesome about everything I choose...I need to make sure that I come first. 

So with that all said...I will try to remember to put my mask on first before helping others.

This post has helped me figure out my Three Words for 2016...

1. Me

2. Family

3. Venture

That feels both awesome and selfish :) 

Please note: I currently have a fever of 100•F so if this reads like gobbledygook I will edit it when I'm feeling better :)