We had some feeding issues initially. She lost 14% of her birth weight in the first 5 days which is more than the medical community likes to see in a newborn. We consulted with a lactation consultant. So through co-feeding, with the help of my husband and the use of a syringe and catheter of my pumped breastmilk at the breast, we started helping her put weight on at a healthy-ish rate (still on the low side). She put on some weight. Then we had her lip tie and posterior tongue tie released at day 10 to continue to help with the feeding issue. Over the next 8 days after that she neither gained nor lost. We then continued to co-feed and she began gaining again slowly.
Then two weeks ago, even though she was beginning to make some real progress, our family doctor made me even more paranoid than before about feeding and her weight gain. She insisted we supplement with formula, cutting out every second feeding at the breast. Telling me to stop pumping, which I have been doing after each feed to protect my milk supply. She was concerned that I was thinning out my milk.
Both of the these instructions upset me beyond belief. My child is healthy. Her colour is fantastic, she has never been jaundiced. She pees and poos like a champ. The doctor had commented on her fantatsic muscle tone. When she is awake she is alert and meeting her "age markers". And when she sleeps, she sleeps like a dream. So if she's fine on all other counts why should we make such drastic changes to what has been working?
Ever since she was born night feedings have been difficult. She does not like waking up at night. Even early on I believed if left to her own devices that she would sleep through the night. But due to all of her feeding and weight gain issues it was recommended that we wake her every couple of hours to feed. Going an hour extra between feeds overnight was fine, but I was still waking her.
We have a co-sleeper basinette attached to my side of the bed to help facilitate healthy feeding. I love this crib as it gives me the benefits of co-sleeping but creates the separation of our own beds. Occassionally she would wake me and prompt me just before my alarm would go off. Giving me the faith that she will feed when she's hungry.
In the past few days I have been setting my overnight alarms to check on her a little later each night. Most of the time she wakes me or when I check on her with the dim light on (thanks to my husband for the side table lamp dimmer switch) she wakes from my movement and the light.
However, each time the next feed goes a little later, the crazy person the doctor turned me into 2 weeks ago rears her ugly head. Should I wake this perfectly healthy baby from a wonderful sleep in order to insure that she feeds? My doctor talked about needing to eat and gain properly to build all the millions of neural pathways and synapses (not sure if I'm getting this right...it IS the middle of the night right now) that a baby needs for brain development in her first weeks and months of life. But doesn't she need healthy sleep too? Won't she wake me on her own when she's good and hungry?
So last night, all evening, she fed really well. She appeared to be cluster feeding at 4, 5, 6:30, 8 and 9:30. These were all good and solid feeds, some of which even lasted more than 30 minutes (we aim to feed 15 minutes each side). And at the two later feeds when I was concerned there might not be enough milk because of her constant interest, I added a little pumped milk supplement, through the syringe and catheter which I am now able to do on my own, and she took an additional ounce from that. So she prepared for a long rest. Can't I be confident in this? Can't I trust that she was bulking up for a long night's sleep?
Now it is 4am. My alarm went off at 3:30. I checked on her and she was still sleeping soundly. I reset my alarm for 4:30, but as soon as I tried to go back to sleep the panic set in. In letting her sleep am I hindering her development? Am I causing her untold problems? Is she going to start loosing weight again?
Everyone tells me to trust my instincts. That she is a beautiful and obviously healthy baby. That there is nothing wrong with her. If a baby sleeps through the night accept your blessings and let her sleep. But I have trouble trusting these instincts. I was told there was something wrong and I didn't notice. What if there is something wrong now and I'm hurting her by not waking her?
The biggest problem I have had with breastfeeding is that I am constantly questioning myself and stressing myself out in the process. Am I doing the right thing? Am I hurting her? Am I keeping something from her by not feeding her formula? All of my friends who formula feed their babies are doing fine. Heck, I was primarily formula fed and so was my husband and we are both fine. So why not add a little extra? However, I am fanatically paranoid about introducing a bottle of even pumped milk for fear that she will prefer the bottle and reject my breast. This last idea breaks my heart.
So I started writing this post over an hour ago to share my experience but also to stop myself from cycling over and over again in my head while listening to her breathe in the crib next to me, worrying. Since beginning to type I heard her begin the stir and then I took the sound of a diaper being filled as my cue to change her (and yes, wake her). While changing her she immediately started making her "boobie faces" (sucking motions with her mouth), and after the change we started feeding.
And even now as she cuddles next to me I worry, she only fed for 18 minutes. 10 on the right, 8 on the left. We always try to do 15 each side. Is she slipping into old patterns? Should I wake her, strip her down, blow in her face to get her to do another 12 minutes? So I leave her lying next to me, hoping she's just taking a break and will feed some more shortly (which she sometimes does).
I have an almost 7 week old who will go almost 7 hours between feeds and sleep for more than 6 hours. Why am I complaining? And yet even now I continue to ask To Wake or Not To Wake...because right now...That IS the question.
With love
~sarah~
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