For a while now, but increasingly over the past week or so, I have been feeling defensive about the choices I am making in how I am raising my daughter.
I knew even before we got pregnant that I intended, to the best of my ability, to breastfeed, or at least pump and provide breast milk, for a year. I fought hard in our first few weeks to be able to breastfeed exclusively and I'm glad we were successful. However, other than breastfeeding I didn't know what kind of decisions lay ahead and what choices I would eventually make.
During the pregnancy we decided to buy an Arms Reach Co-Sleeper. Since I intended to breastfeed, keeping her close during the night made the most sense. I didn't realize that this would mean some nights while she was feeding we would both fall asleep. I had judged and thought poorly of parents who shared their beds with their children. So although she spends most of her nights in the co-sleeper, we do bed share for part of the night. She currently falls asleep around 8pm and if left to sleep will wake by 8:45am, and I wouldn't change a thing.
I loved the idea of baby wearing carriers early on, and she loved being in them. Seeing the world from my level, being able to look around and see everything that was going on. Once we figured out the Moby wrap, we were in heaven. Falling asleep and then napping in the carrier became a natural progression. If worn, she will sometimes take 2 full two hour naps during the day. Most days she takes 2 to 3 one hour naps in the carrier. Either way her overnight pattern stays the same.
I registered for a baby food processor while we were pregnant, with the intention of making my own baby food, however as I learn and read more I think we are moving towards more of a Baby Lead Weaning method of introducing food and feeding. We will give her easy to handle food that we are already eating and let her feed herself, discovering food she likes and how to eat. It sounds like it will be messy at first, but it also feels right for us.
I am now considering breastfeeding for a much longer period, and leaving it up to my daughter when to wean. This is something that I used to scoff at and even mock in other mothers. Since becoming a mother I now understand the desire to continue breastfeeding past one year. I am ashamed of my behaviour before becoming a mother and my horrible judgement. When I go back to work during the day I will pump and provide breast milk, but in while we are at home in the evenings, overnight and mornings, and as long as it continues to make sense for us, I intend to continue breastfeeding.
As long as we are breastfeeding at night, having her in the co-sleeper makes the most sense for us. She doesn't have to cry loudly or very long to get my attention, and neither of us really have to wake up. I always figured she'd be transitioning to a crib shortly, but because we are both getting good nights sleep we will keep her next to us for as long as it continues to work.
Nighttime and naptime are working for us right now and until things change we won't introduce the crib. I recognize that she won't be able to sleep in the Moby or Becco forever, but if something is working, why bother changing it. We will cross that bridge eventually. When we do start putting her in her crib, whether overnight or for naps, I don't intend to let her cry it out. I always thought we would, but then I had her and my ideas changed. I'm not sure what we will do to help make those transitions, but I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone to cry and figure it out on her own. Currently we use the crib as a happy place to read and play during the day so that when we start using the crib for sleeping she'll know it's a safe and happy place.
I was worried that my husband wouldn't support me, but he is wonderful as well as practical. He knows that I am with her all day and trusts my choices. He also agrees that if these things are working for us, and she is a happy and healthy baby, why change them. He also retains the right to raise concerns or have discussions when things start to change and to work together to make decisions learning about our choices and figuring out what works best for us as a family.
But even now I know I am writing this post to put all of my choices out there. Almost daring others to question me, to judge me. Whenever these topics come up with other people, especially other mothers, I feel like I introduce them from a place of insecurity and defense, waiting for them to try and change my mind or think badly of me. Even though these are things I feel strongly about and shouldn't feel insecure.
Where does this insecurity come from? I think my insecurities stem from a place within myself. That place that judged mothers before I became one. The place of ignorance before I knew what it was to be a mother. I mocked those women like they were celebrities on TMZ (and some of them were). And now I am one of "those" mothers and I'm not sure how to process my feelings knowing the ignorance and judgement that is out there.
Am I going to continue to feel this way about every decision I make for my daughter and any other children who come along? I hope not. I hope I can find a way to get passed these feelings of insecurity. How can I become more confident and less concerned about judgement? If my choices are made because they work for us, why am I insecure? Does every mother feel this way about the choices she makes?
My first step is to stop judging others. Then it will be to educate, not about the choices I make, but about the judgement we all have. I need to understand and make others understand that the choices themselves are not right or wrong. Each decision is right for each individual, each child, each family. If I want people to respect my choices, they need to know that I respect theirs. My fear of judgement needs to stop with me.
With love,
~sarah~
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