To my daughter, this I wish for you

Monkey May fell asleep in the car on the way home tonight. When we arrived home we remembered that we had forgotten to remake her bed. Instead of fussing with that, and risk her waking, we decided to bring her to our bed to sleep instead, since she occasionally shows up to join us in the middle of the night anyway.

As I crawl in beside her, I see her silhouette in the almost dark room and I gaze in wonder at this amazing child of mine. I don't often get all sentimental but when I do, I feel how full of love I am for her and how much joy she brings me.

She makes me think of all of the amazing women in my life and all of these thoughts make me nostalgic for the friends who are far, those who fill my heart, those who bring me joy, those women who are still in my life although I don't see them or even speak with them nearly enough. I think of all of these women often and wish I was better at keeping in touch.

And in thinking of all of these women and my daughter, I think of the three good fairies who blessed Princess Aurora in sleeping beauty. And so I wish the following for my daughter;
That you are:
- as strong as my Nerds
- as passionate as my Leo
- as discerning as my Acadian
- as harmonious as my Libra
- as free-spirited as my Earth
- as ardent as my Gabrielle
- as honest as Ms. Kind
- as generous as your not-your-Godmother
- as supportive as my Maven
- as assertive as my sister
- as understanding as my sister-in-law
- as business-minded as your aunt
- as venerable as my Mutti
- as empathetic as my Nanny
- as compassionate and as gracious as my mother

May you embody all of these and more. You are truly a part of my heart.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Happy New Year 2016

I often try to start blogging at the beginning of a new year, as it seems like a great time to start, but it doesn't last very long. It's a therapeutic, fresh start kinda thing and so here I go again.

I have a lot of work on my plate ahead, at least for the beginning of the year, but hopefully some of it is going to continue throughout the year and some for years to come. 

I have an anxiety inducing show in two weeks that both excites me and makes me want to throw up, usually flipping from one to the other but sometimes simultaneously. I'm afraid of embarrassing myself, of not being well enough prepared, of having made a bad decision, of ruining it for others if I mess up, of being in over my head, of never getting cast in anything ever again. But I'm so excited. Excited to be on stage, excited to flex my theatre and music and some "dance" (movement) skills, of the improv that is required, of the trust that has been placed on me, of the trust that I have placed on everyone else (who I don't even know!!!), of the beauty of this process and this opportunity and the fun I know it will be. I'm sure I'll have more to say about it after it's done...you know, if I'm still blogging.

Then there's the direct marketing business I've taken on. Similarly another anxiety inducing project that excites me and makes me want to throw up. If I know anything about myself and my life...these are a great way to feel about things...it usually means it's EXACTLY what I should be doing. Succeed or fail, this opportunity will teach me lessons and help me move forward in my dream, no matter the direction I end up taking.

Lastly, I continue to do some volunteer administration work, and this is the only black mark on my current view. I did not understand the ramifications of what I signed up for. I've made quite the giant FUBAR mess of things. And the whole thing makes me very upset every time I sit down to work on it. I feel pressure, I feel like I don't have the right time or effort to devote to it and mostly, I feel that it is taking valuable time away from my family.  I need to make a very hard decision about which path to take on this...and either way people are going to be upset, and there's nothing more that I hate than upsetting people. However, I'm learning...slowly...that I don't have to sacrifice myself in order to make others happy. 

These are obviously the big events and activities I'm looking at on the horizon. Otherwise, I go back to work again on Monday. The lanscape has changed slightly, much to both my dismay and happiness. But at the end of the day I adore my job and really feel like that I'm part of a system that is helping others while I myself get to help others directly.

There are many things I'd love to start doing regularly; clearing out our space, singing, meditation, blogging, reading, baking and some form of enjoyable, maintainable (and free) exercise. But when I list them like that...along with all of the bigger things, it feels like too much.

And the most important things I haven't even listed yet, the things that override every other item on this list are my family and myself. I want to make sure that the time I spend with my children and my husband is time where I am present, aware and open. I also want to make sure that I am focusing on me, actively (instead of passively which is more my style). I know that in order to succeed and feel awesome about everything I choose...I need to make sure that I come first. 

So with that all said...I will try to remember to put my mask on first before helping others.

This post has helped me figure out my Three Words for 2016...

1. Me

2. Family

3. Venture

That feels both awesome and selfish :) 

Please note: I currently have a fever of 100•F so if this reads like gobbledygook I will edit it when I'm feeling better :)

My socks

Seriously, my socks made me happy. 

It was a wonderful Passover and Easter weekend. We had a ton of fun. So many things made me happy. I worked hard, I played hard, I napped lots and ate well. But it came down to the socks. 

I was reading one of those articles about the 8 things to do to make you happy. Lots of the usual "don't sweat the small stuff", "apologize", "forgive yourself", etc. and two of the points were to make the choice to be happy and to have gratitude. I read this all the time and think "YES, do these things right now" and then move on to th next Facebook post and forget. 

But tonight I applied them. I looked down at my socks as I was getting ready for bed and smiled. I caught glimpses of my socks all day today and they kept making me happy. So I focused on them as I got ready for bed.

I chose to really feel the happiness that the socks bring me and gratitude for having the money to buy the socks and wash the socks and a drawer to store the socks and healthy legs and feet to wear the socks. And while all this was going on I started thinking about the weekend as a whole and how much fun it was and how happy I was. And I just kept smiling and now I feel so awesomely good. 

My socks made me happy! Happy Passover! Happy Easter!

What made you happy this holiday weekend?

She is my heart

Today we went to the indoor kids play park. It's been such a miserably cold winter and we both have cabin fever. Mix that with a new baby and her, a toddler who needs to run and burn off energy, and you have lots of episodes of thrown toys and meltdowns at home. The indoor park is an oasis for both of us.

As soon as we get there we head straight for the slide, her favourite thing by far. There are three little girls running around together in a group. Shortly after we arrived she was chasing after the girls calling "Friends! Friends!" and my heart breaks for her a little. These girls are just a little older than her. They are caught up in whatever game they are already playing and are not aware of her. 

After the girls take off on an obstacle that slows her down, just enough that she can't catch up, she comes back to me, shoulders down, looking defeated and asks, "where my friends?" She repeats this a question a couple of times looking extremely perplexed, hoping I can solve this problem.

I want these girls to play with her, to see what an awesome little kid she is. To want to be her friends. My heart breaks again. These girls aren't being mean, she just hasn't approached them properly. I love that my daughter just assumes that everyone is already her friend and should want to play with her. I love her confidence, and I don't want her to lose that, but I realize she needs the language and the tools to make it happen.

I get down to her level and start to try to explain to her in a way she'll understand. I tell her she needs to talk to the girls. That she needs to introduce herself and ask them to play. That she can ask them to be her friends.  I explain that should say, "hi, my name is Monkey. Would you like to play with me?" And she can even ask if they'd like to be friends. 

She seems mostly distracted in that toddler way, not really listening to what I'm saying, more interested in all of the activity going on around us. More interested in going back to running around, playing and chasing more friends. I wonder if she understood anything I was saying or if the concepts were over her head.

She goes back to running around and playing by herself.

I see her up top, chasing and following the girls again. I hope they recognize that she wants to play with them. I hope that they will include her in their play. 

A little later on she is with them instead of just chasing them. She looks at me and says "my friends" so earnestly, and continues to play with them. My heart swells. A short while later she is holding hands with one of them and running. I hope she asked first. We've been working on asking people before grabbing them and pulling them to do what she wants. Always so enthusiastic, we've started to teach her consent, as she is so bold and confident.

As the morning ends it's time for everyone to go. The mommy of the other little girl pulls her aside and says "ok 5 more minutes and then we're going home". I'm going to piggyback off their exit to help ease the "I don't want to leave" tantrum that often occurs when we leave somewhere, especially somewhere as fun as this.

Five minutes later the mom comes to take them to the washroom before they leave. I tell her to say goodbye to her friend and that we're going to go home too. She looks up at me and sadly asks "my friend?" The other mother and I share a glance. It's comfortable although we haven't spoken. She says "sorry", I reply, "that's ok, we have to go too, perfect timing". I wish I had talked to her more, asked when they'd be back or could I find her on social media so we could arrange to meet up here again, for the girls. 

We manage to leave with little to no incident. Focusing on the goldfish snack she'll get in the car and the lunch we'll have when we get home. A couple of times in the car ride home she looks at me and sadly says "my friends go home." 

At dinner that night I ask her to "tell Daddy what we did today" and then prompt her, reminding her that we went to the "indoor play park" when she looks to me for help remembering.

Her face lights up in the biggest smile and she looks at Daddy and says in the most compelling little voice, "hewwo, you wanna pway wif me" and then rambles on happily. Daddy looks at me questioningly. And tears well up in my eyes. 

She heard me! She understood me. And who knows, maybe she even used that language to make friends with that little girl. I explain the morning's activities to hubby, I tell him about the conversation I had with her about using the right language and making friends.

I remember again that I am shaping this little person to be the big person she will grow to be. She hears all of my words, she takes in the world around her. My actions are always visible to her and she is learning from my guidance. The things I do and say are important and she will take them with her as she grows. I make a mental note to remember today. To remember to be careful of how I approach things, how I explain things, how I shout out mindless commands, demands and warnings to her. Her little brain is taking it all in, is creating memories and learning from everything I give her. 

This little girl is a part of my heart and I want to make sure I am always aware of how much I affect her. Less important on days like today when my heart breaks for her as I teach her skills to engage the world around her. Much more important when I am angry, upset or tired. I saw the positive outcome of my conscious instruction today, but what is she learning when I am angry, distracted or upset?

Thank you little girl for reminding me of how much I am teaching you every day. I need to always remember that.

Christmas Nuts'n'Bolts

Growing up my aunt and my cousin ALWAYS made my cousin's 4H Nuts'n'Bolts for Christmas. When I moved out on my own I started to make their delicious Christmas snack.  Then I met my husband and that first Christmas he was so happy to see I make Nuts'n'Bolts. His late grandmother had always made Nuts'n'Bolts and when she passed away there were no more Nuts'n'Bolts. I sometimes wonder if he only married me for my Nuts'n'Bolts. 

I usually make 2 big bathes but this year I'm starting with 3 batches and if I have enough ingredients left I'm making a 4th batch. Because you can never have enough Nuts'n'Bolts and once they're gone...they're GONE! 

I know...I know...you want the recipe. So...HERE it is. Careful...it is soooooo delicious!

Maureen's 4H club Nuts'n'Bolts recipe

(these are the quantities I used today)

8 cups of Crispex or Shreddies (I'm using Shreddies this year)

8 cups of Cheerios

4 cups of Peanuts

1 bag of Alphabet Pretzels (President's Choice...6 cups) you can use sticks or small pretzels too 

1 cup (1/2lb) of butter (melted)

1 cup of cooking oil

1/4 cup of Worcestershire sauce

1/4 cup of spices/salts.  It calls for Seasoned Salt, but I also add, Mrs. Dash, Steak Spice, Garlic Salt & Onion Salt

 

Liquid mix - Melt butter, stir in everything else.  
In a giant roasting pan - mix in the dry ingredients then pour the liquid mix over top, stirring until completely mixed
Cook at 250 for 1hr, stirring every 15 minutes.

Let cool and hope you have LOTS of big Tupperware containers.

WTF is wrong with my appliances?!?

"Hey, the TV in the basement isn't working!"
"Are you just saying that so we can get a bigger tv?"
"No, it's completely dead."
"Alright, let's go shopping."

And with that the summer of high costs began. Summer is a bad time in general for things to go in this house because as an elementary school office administrator, I'm not paid during the summer months, so additional expenses are not welcome. However, this summer I'm on mat leave, so there are funds coming in but not a lot and not a lot for awhile now.

Luckily there are "don't pay until" plans which were saving our butts so far this summer. After the basement TV went, so did the BBQ. The BBQ really upset me because I hate to throw out such a large item, but it rusted right through all the important stuff in the guts, and the exterior isn't worth the scrap metal. So we "didn't pay until" again and invested in a good quality, better last me more than 4 years, new BBQ. Reduce, reuse, recycle? Yeah right! Things aren't meant to last anymore. We got 7 years out of the TV and only 4 out of the BBQ (which is apparently fantastic for a low end BBQ...which is RIDICULOUS!).

And then the storm hit. No litterally, there was a rain storm yesterday and the power went out in Kanata. We weren't home when it happened but we were in the area and there were lights out around the corner, so we assume our power went out, or at least something bad happened to our house electronically.

We got home around dinner time last night, and SuperFox reported that the TV in the basement wasn't working, actually none of the electronics were. You know...the BRAND NEW TV we bought! *gack* Luckily we had insured our tv with a high end surge protector power bar and all of our basement electronics were plugged into that. We lost the power bar, but all of our electronics plugged into it were spared. (piece of advice...invest in these...worth every penny)

Then SuperFox notified me that the oven wasn't working. It appears whatever happened blew out the digital display on our oven. Our stove top works but cooking in the oven is out the window for the time being. It's not longer under warrantee and we're reluctant to have a repairman in and pay $81 for the first 15 minutes for him to tell us...we need a new unit. Luckily it's summer and we have a brand new good quality BBQ so TECHNICALLY we can survive with our BBQ and stove top for a little while until we figure out what we want to do (hopefully not more "don't pay untils"). I might have to learn how to bake on the BBQ. Guess what we're going to want for Christmas this year?

Nope...not an oven...a TV. With the power issue yesterday, the little 4 year old TVin our living room died. It was also plugged into a surge protector power bar, and everything else plugged into that power bar is fine, but the TV. Dead. Now technically we don't NEED two TVs. There are only two of us, and we have two iPads, two iPhones, a laptop and a desktop computer. A second TV isn't a NEED. However, it is the TV hooked up to our Apple TV where we do 80% of our TV watching. So yeah, we'd love a new TV for Christmas...but a little before that because I love watching Chritmas movies in the living room with a fire going in the fireplace. Or I could just rediscover my love of reading? Oh wait...I have a 6 month old. I need a TV :)

And then our thermostat didn't seem to be working properly either. Luckily we'd just recently enrolled to pay for a service plan monthly on our furnace. So this morning the furnace guy came out to our place. He started by looking at the furnace and found a crack in the heat exchange. I know nothing about furnaces and their components...but it was describe as "This is bad." and when I asked "how bad" the answer was "kaboom bad". So on top of the two "we should probably replace" items that have just gone kaput, we have a "YOU MUST REPLACE" item at the top of that list. You know, the most expensive one...yay!

So, what have we discovered? Mother nature hates my home appliances? Nature is stronger than mankind? We have too many things? Electricity is bad? Yup, probably all of those things, but mostly...we're lucky and blessed. These are easy problems that are facing us, expensive ones possibly but not life threatening. Our house didn't go kaboom. There are financial plans to help us out in this situation. We will replace what we need most and work from there. I was upset last night with all of this "happening all at the same time", but we are healthy, we are not destitute, we are fine.

And really at the end of all of this...I'm exstatic because TNG just slept. In her crib. For a nap. For 1 hour and 10 minutes!!!! Seriously, THIS is huge, THIS is what I'm focusing on, THIS is...AWESOME!

For me, not for you

Late Saturday, June 15, 2013

Two things happened this week, one today and one yesterday.

Yesterday a friend who blogs said she didn't do it for the fame, she does it because she loves to write. Then this evening someone said that this time with TNG goes by so fast and that I am good with my words so I should document this time of her life with my words. 

I think I have always blogged from the wrong perspective. I have written from the standpoint of what will other people read instead of what is it that I want to say.

I am afraid of offending, of looking stupid, of not being funny enough, or deep enough, or smart enough. But I'm not sure blogging really needs to be about any of those. Clearly if I want fame blogging is not the way I'm going to get it, so I should stop thinking in my head that it's what will happen if I just do it "right" and instead actually just do it.

Even now I can feel myself over thinking "my next post", so I will try in moments like this to talk myself out of it and just write.

I always end these "the future of my blog" posts the same "I will blog every day" and I never do. So all I can say is, I would like to document these early days with TNG in a way that I can use to look back and remember them as she turns 4 and starts school, turns 17 and graduates from high school,  and that's as far as I can think because other than that I will not even imagine what steps lie in store for her, I look forward to her amazing and surprising me at every turn :)

At 5.5 months she's almost crawling and there is so much of this early journey that I could have recounted but for my pride and delusions :)

So I will try to stop writing for anyone other than me and I hope I will thank myself for it later.

With love,

~sarah~