Today we went to the indoor kids play park. It's been such a miserably cold winter and we both have cabin fever. Mix that with a new baby and her, a toddler who needs to run and burn off energy, and you have lots of episodes of thrown toys and meltdowns at home. The indoor park is an oasis for both of us.
As soon as we get there we head straight for the slide, her favourite thing by far. There are three little girls running around together in a group. Shortly after we arrived she was chasing after the girls calling "Friends! Friends!" and my heart breaks for her a little. These girls are just a little older than her. They are caught up in whatever game they are already playing and are not aware of her.
After the girls take off on an obstacle that slows her down, just enough that she can't catch up, she comes back to me, shoulders down, looking defeated and asks, "where my friends?" She repeats this a question a couple of times looking extremely perplexed, hoping I can solve this problem.
I want these girls to play with her, to see what an awesome little kid she is. To want to be her friends. My heart breaks again. These girls aren't being mean, she just hasn't approached them properly. I love that my daughter just assumes that everyone is already her friend and should want to play with her. I love her confidence, and I don't want her to lose that, but I realize she needs the language and the tools to make it happen.
I get down to her level and start to try to explain to her in a way she'll understand. I tell her she needs to talk to the girls. That she needs to introduce herself and ask them to play. That she can ask them to be her friends. I explain that should say, "hi, my name is Monkey. Would you like to play with me?" And she can even ask if they'd like to be friends.
She seems mostly distracted in that toddler way, not really listening to what I'm saying, more interested in all of the activity going on around us. More interested in going back to running around, playing and chasing more friends. I wonder if she understood anything I was saying or if the concepts were over her head.
She goes back to running around and playing by herself.
I see her up top, chasing and following the girls again. I hope they recognize that she wants to play with them. I hope that they will include her in their play.
A little later on she is with them instead of just chasing them. She looks at me and says "my friends" so earnestly, and continues to play with them. My heart swells. A short while later she is holding hands with one of them and running. I hope she asked first. We've been working on asking people before grabbing them and pulling them to do what she wants. Always so enthusiastic, we've started to teach her consent, as she is so bold and confident.
As the morning ends it's time for everyone to go. The mommy of the other little girl pulls her aside and says "ok 5 more minutes and then we're going home". I'm going to piggyback off their exit to help ease the "I don't want to leave" tantrum that often occurs when we leave somewhere, especially somewhere as fun as this.
Five minutes later the mom comes to take them to the washroom before they leave. I tell her to say goodbye to her friend and that we're going to go home too. She looks up at me and sadly asks "my friend?" The other mother and I share a glance. It's comfortable although we haven't spoken. She says "sorry", I reply, "that's ok, we have to go too, perfect timing". I wish I had talked to her more, asked when they'd be back or could I find her on social media so we could arrange to meet up here again, for the girls.
We manage to leave with little to no incident. Focusing on the goldfish snack she'll get in the car and the lunch we'll have when we get home. A couple of times in the car ride home she looks at me and sadly says "my friends go home."
At dinner that night I ask her to "tell Daddy what we did today" and then prompt her, reminding her that we went to the "indoor play park" when she looks to me for help remembering.
Her face lights up in the biggest smile and she looks at Daddy and says in the most compelling little voice, "hewwo, you wanna pway wif me" and then rambles on happily. Daddy looks at me questioningly. And tears well up in my eyes.
She heard me! She understood me. And who knows, maybe she even used that language to make friends with that little girl. I explain the morning's activities to hubby, I tell him about the conversation I had with her about using the right language and making friends.
I remember again that I am shaping this little person to be the big person she will grow to be. She hears all of my words, she takes in the world around her. My actions are always visible to her and she is learning from my guidance. The things I do and say are important and she will take them with her as she grows. I make a mental note to remember today. To remember to be careful of how I approach things, how I explain things, how I shout out mindless commands, demands and warnings to her. Her little brain is taking it all in, is creating memories and learning from everything I give her.
This little girl is a part of my heart and I want to make sure I am always aware of how much I affect her. Less important on days like today when my heart breaks for her as I teach her skills to engage the world around her. Much more important when I am angry, upset or tired. I saw the positive outcome of my conscious instruction today, but what is she learning when I am angry, distracted or upset?
Thank you little girl for reminding me of how much I am teaching you every day. I need to always remember that.
