No apologies

For a while now, but increasingly over the past week or so, I have been feeling defensive about the choices I am making in how I am raising my daughter.

I knew even before we got pregnant that I intended, to the best of my ability, to breastfeed, or at least pump and provide breast milk, for a year. I fought hard in our first few weeks to be able to breastfeed exclusively and I'm glad we were successful. However, other than breastfeeding I didn't know what kind of decisions lay ahead and what choices I would eventually make.

During the pregnancy we decided to buy an Arms Reach Co-Sleeper. Since I intended to breastfeed, keeping her close during the night made the most sense. I didn't realize that this would mean some nights while she was feeding we would both fall asleep. I had judged and thought poorly of parents who shared their beds with their children. So although she spends most of her nights in the co-sleeper, we do bed share for part of the night. She currently falls asleep around 8pm and if left to sleep will wake by 8:45am, and I wouldn't change a thing.

I loved the idea of baby wearing carriers early on, and she loved being in them. Seeing the world from my level, being able to look around and see everything that was going on. Once we figured out the Moby wrap, we were in heaven. Falling asleep and then napping in the carrier became a natural progression. If worn, she will sometimes take 2 full two hour naps during the day. Most days she takes 2 to 3 one hour naps in the carrier. Either way her overnight pattern stays the same.

I registered for a baby food processor while we were pregnant, with the intention of making my own baby food, however as I learn and read more I think we are moving towards more of a Baby Lead Weaning method of introducing food and feeding. We will give her easy to handle food that we are already eating and let her feed herself, discovering food she likes and how to eat. It sounds like it will be messy at first, but it also feels right for us.

I am now considering breastfeeding for a much longer period, and leaving it up to my daughter when to wean. This is something that I used to scoff at and even mock in other mothers. Since becoming a mother I now understand the desire to continue breastfeeding past one year. I am ashamed of my behaviour before becoming a mother and my horrible judgement. When I go back to work during the day I will pump and provide breast milk, but in while we are at home in the evenings, overnight and mornings, and as long as it continues to make sense for us, I intend to continue breastfeeding.

As long as we are breastfeeding at night, having her in the co-sleeper makes the most sense for us. She doesn't have to cry loudly or very long to get my attention, and neither of us really have to wake up. I always figured she'd be transitioning to a crib shortly, but because we are both getting good nights sleep we will keep her next to us for as long as it continues to work.

Nighttime and naptime are working for us right now and until things change we won't introduce the crib. I recognize that she won't be able to sleep in the Moby or Becco forever, but if something is working, why bother changing it. We will cross that bridge eventually. When we do start putting her in her crib, whether overnight or for naps, I don't intend to let her cry it out. I always thought we would, but then I had her and my ideas changed. I'm not sure what we will do to help make those transitions, but I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone to cry and figure it out on her own. Currently we use the crib as a happy place to read and play during the day so that when we start using the crib for sleeping she'll know it's a safe and happy place.

I was worried that my husband wouldn't support me, but he is wonderful as well as practical. He knows that I am with her all day and trusts my choices. He also agrees that if these things are working for us, and she is a happy and healthy baby, why change them. He also retains the right to raise concerns or have discussions when things start to change and to work together to make decisions learning about our choices and figuring out what works best for us as a family.

But even now I know I am writing this post to put all of my choices out there. Almost daring others to question me, to judge me. Whenever these topics come up with other people, especially other mothers, I feel like I introduce them from a place of insecurity and defense, waiting for them to try and change my mind or think badly of me. Even though these are things I feel strongly about and shouldn't feel insecure.

Where does this insecurity come from? I think my insecurities stem from a place within myself. That place that judged mothers before I became one. The place of ignorance before I knew what it was to be a mother. I mocked those women like they were celebrities on TMZ (and some of them were). And now I am one of "those" mothers and I'm not sure how to process my feelings knowing the ignorance and judgement that is out there.

Am I going to continue to feel this way about every decision I make for my daughter and any other children who come along? I hope not. I hope I can find a way to get passed these feelings of insecurity. How can I become more confident and less concerned about judgement? If my choices are made because they work for us, why am I insecure? Does every mother feel this way about the choices she makes?

My first step is to stop judging others. Then it will be to educate, not about the choices I make, but about the judgement we all have. I need to understand and make others understand that the choices themselves are not right or wrong. Each decision is right for each individual, each child, each family. If I want people to respect my choices, they need to know that I respect theirs. My fear of judgement needs to stop with me.

With love,
~sarah~

My affliction (or Why I Shaved my Head)

I don't talk about it much because, until recently, I hid it well.

I "suffer" from a condition called Alopecia Areata. Short explanation, I have bald patches all over my head due to hair loss. Longer explanation, I have an autoimmune disorder where my scalp views my hair as a foreign entity and attacks my hair follicles causing the hair to fall out. This leaves behind round bald patches all over my head, which increasingly expand and merge into larger patches.

I say "suffer" in quotation marks because there is no pain, other than maybe the treatment of sub-cutaneous injections of steroids into my scalp every 6 weeks. Or the pain in my heart when I dwell on the problem.

I had my first outbreak in my teens. Most people were not aware. Some who noticed would ask why I was so dumb as to shave my head in patches. I don't recall it bothering me too much when they would ask this, as it was their ignorance and had nothing to do with me.

Even until recently most people I told could not even tell, other than I have thin limp hair, but hey, lots of people have that problem.

During my teens the outbreak only lasted a short while, was never very bad and went away after a year or two, I barely even remember. This time I have been living with it since July 2008. We have no idea what brought it on, what's keeping it going or how to stop it. In a panic once in 2009 I threatened that if it got worse I would cancel my wedding, it got worse and I still got married. In a moment of seeming clarity I said I would not have a baby until it cleared up, it didn't clear up and I am now a mother. And I always said I wouldn't wear a wig unless it got really, really bad. A week ago I wore a wig out to dinner, and the next day I bought two more.

I wasn't hoping, but wondered if maybe hormones during pregnancy might clear up the problem. I knew it wasn't realistic but I speculated that chemical changes after child birth might correct the situation. I didn't expect anything but thought breastfeeding might strengthen my immune system. None of these things came to pass and my hair loss is now the worst it has ever been.

My thoughts are now whether or not I should just shave my head. My daughter and I start Baby and Me swimming lessons in a couple of weeks and I can already see my bright, white, scalp spots gleaming brightly through my stringy, wet hair as I meet other new Moms like me. Having to explain the condition repeatedly. No I don't have cancer. No it's not contagious. I hope we do an "introduce & tell us something about yourself" at the first lesson, only have to tell it once.

Overall I like to think I deal with the whole thing really well. I feel like I'm more worried and anxious about my hair when the condition is dormant than when it's falling out.

In the world of horrible conditions I got off easy. My condition attacks my vanity and my pride. I have no pain, no physical discomfort, no suffering. If given the option, I would not trade this in for something else.

I'm glad my daughter seems to have been born with my husbands hair.

I wish I liked wearing hats.

With love
~sarah~

Update

I finally shaved my head yesterday (May 17th).

My hair loss had continued at an increased rate and I was finding it everywhere and it was just adding insult to injury.  However, even with what little hair I had before I shaved it, it sure makes a huge difference when I look in the mirror.

The positive reponse I've received from friends and family and online friends has been amazing. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by so much positive support. It has made this part of the journey so wonderful.

Thank you!

Being a mother = crazy?

This might seem like a crazy complaint, but I've discovered that being a mother I sometimes feel I worry about anything and everything, and am becoming neurotic.

She is 12 weeks now and sleeps well at night. She goes down after our 1hr bedtime feed at 8pm and usually wakes around 2am and we dream feed. And then again every 1.5hrs-2hrs for more dream feeding until whenever we wake. It's great, she feeds well, I sleep well, she sleeps well, everyone is happy.

Tonight I woke at 3am because my breasts were leaking everywhere and aching, she didn't wake me at 2am! So I panic and check her breathing. She's fine. But because of our early breastfeeding issues, and my GP making me crazy about weight gain early on, I want to wake her to feed her. She's always fed well at night (after our initial issues) but has started being fussy at the breast during the day. I have this fear that she won't eat enough if she doesn't eat overnight. But waking a baby that sleeps well at night feels ludicrous. I manage, through checking her breathing regularly, to wake her so she feeds a little, but not "enough" in my mind, and so I lie here awake and worried, which makes me feel like I'm losing it a little.

Between my achey leaking breasts, my fear that she's not breathing, my worry about her feeding, a sick cat banging it's recovery neck cone everywhere (a tale of woe...poor kitty) and to top it off a husband who is snoring like a freight train tonight, I can't sleep although everyone else (maybe not kitty) is fine!!!

This must sound ridiculous to mothers who have babies who don't sleep at night. Or to people who deal with real insomnia. And I do feel ridiculous typing this and stressing, but I'm worried about her feeding, my milk production and what is going on with her sleep and feeding during the day. I know babies are constantly changing and going through huge leaps and bounds, that nothing is constant,but it doesn't matter when things are going well in one respect, I worry anyway! Being wide awake at this hour for no other reason but my own brain makes me feel like I'm losing it a little. And being someone who has never suffered with insomnia I can add a worry about my own sleep patterns to my list of things that have my brain firing on all cylinders this morning (4am now).

And although this might sound like I'm complaining, I'm not. I wouldn't trade these concerns for the problems other mothers have. My daughter is an easy baby. I have nothing to complain about. Motherhood just seems to bring with it new sensitivities and being constantly concerned, even when everything is going well.

And yet I can label all of these feelings as the "joys of motherhood" and not sarcastically. I wouldn't change any of this. I am not at all unhappy. Maybe a little uncomfortable physically, mentally & psychologically...but after writing this all out and considering it all...it feels right in all of it's wonderful stressful chaos.

(I clearly need some sleep) :)

with love
~sarah~

Baby Steps

It might seem ridiculous, but tonight was the first night I officially left the little one alone with her Dad. (Because I want to be with her all the time) It was only for (barely) an hour and it was so I could go to the dentist. I was more upset about it beforehand than during although I told every single person at the dentist office about it. That helped make it feel less stressful.

And guess what? She survived. He survived. I survived (and my tooth doesn't hurt anymore).

We have not yet introduced a bottle but we will be doing that when she's 12 weeks old. Once that happens I have a feeling there will be more moments apart. It seems like a very little thing, but it feels pretty huge.

I definitely want my hubby to have lots of one-on-one time with her. She and I are solid, and he deserves to have those moments too.

In the end I'm not sure if she missed me. But I missed the heck out of her.

With love
~sarah~

New things

As new parents we're doing everything for the first time. Last night was city swimming lesson registrations. The online site and phone lines open at 10pm. After having seen other parents in previous years complain about the system on Facebook and Twitter I thought we were prepared.

We stayed up until 10 (I was ready for bed last night by 9). We had my laptop, iPad and two iPhones ready. We had the pages ready to load and at 9:58 we started refreshing the sites and redialing the phone number.

It took at least 30 minutes for us to get through online the first time. I didn't want to rush but the process creates this panic of "have to do this quick". There is red scrolling script at the top of the page saying you'll be logged off after 3 minutes of inactivity, so I'm not slowing down to read details!

I created an account, I found the swimming lesson time/date/location we wanted, and then I tried to register (it's a babies lesson where a parent is required to go too). When I tried to sign up it old me I was too old, I had to be between the ages of 4 months to 10 months. Argh!

So I tried to add my daughter to the account. No such luck. There is nowhere to add or edit your information. WHAT?!? And now the system was going to log me out and there wasn't anything I could do.

We kept refreshing again while we came up with a plan. About 10 minutes later we got in again. We decided to create an account for my husband and daughter. It wouldn't let us use the same address so we used my mother's since I think my husband still has one bill that is sent there (yes we should change that after 4 years!), it worked and I figured I could fix it all later.

Then I tried to register for the lesson again. It wouldn't let me again, she is 4 days too young! ARGH!!!!

I was in a panic, these lessons are filling up fast. There is only one week day, daytime, indoor lesson in our neighbourhood.

So I tried calling 3-1-1 as the website suggests you do if you are having problems. I got through to a person fairly quickly but was informed that he was unable to do anything and that my request would have to wait until 7 am.

After one final try around 11:30pm (!!!!) I got through. I created a THIRD account, using my maiden name, my sister's address, my mother's phone number and my secondary email account, I didn't care at this point. I changed my daughter's date of birth to the day before the first lesson (I figured we'll skip the first lesson iif they're sticklers about it, she'll be 4 months old at the second lesson), and FINALLY got registered.

Yes, I realize I broke the rules and lied about my information, but this whole system caused me panic and stress. I was getting my child registered for swimming lessons come hell or high water!

To add insult to injury, I tried to call 3-1-1 this morning to delete the two first accounts and then change my info on the account where we're registered. There was a 43 minute wait on hold. Seeing as I only get 100 free daytime minutes, I'll wait to do it later!

So although next year we'll have to go through the same constant refreshing websites system, at least we know how the whole thing works! :)

With love
~sarah~