Christmas Nuts'n'Bolts

Growing up my aunt and my cousin ALWAYS made my cousin's 4H Nuts'n'Bolts for Christmas. When I moved out on my own I started to make their delicious Christmas snack.  Then I met my husband and that first Christmas he was so happy to see I make Nuts'n'Bolts. His late grandmother had always made Nuts'n'Bolts and when she passed away there were no more Nuts'n'Bolts. I sometimes wonder if he only married me for my Nuts'n'Bolts. 

I usually make 2 big bathes but this year I'm starting with 3 batches and if I have enough ingredients left I'm making a 4th batch. Because you can never have enough Nuts'n'Bolts and once they're gone...they're GONE! 

I know...I know...you want the recipe. So...HERE it is. Careful...it is soooooo delicious!

Maureen's 4H club Nuts'n'Bolts recipe

(these are the quantities I used today)

8 cups of Crispex or Shreddies (I'm using Shreddies this year)

8 cups of Cheerios

4 cups of Peanuts

1 bag of Alphabet Pretzels (President's Choice...6 cups) you can use sticks or small pretzels too 

1 cup (1/2lb) of butter (melted)

1 cup of cooking oil

1/4 cup of Worcestershire sauce

1/4 cup of spices/salts.  It calls for Seasoned Salt, but I also add, Mrs. Dash, Steak Spice, Garlic Salt & Onion Salt

 

Liquid mix - Melt butter, stir in everything else.  
In a giant roasting pan - mix in the dry ingredients then pour the liquid mix over top, stirring until completely mixed
Cook at 250 for 1hr, stirring every 15 minutes.

Let cool and hope you have LOTS of big Tupperware containers.

WTF is wrong with my appliances?!?

"Hey, the TV in the basement isn't working!"
"Are you just saying that so we can get a bigger tv?"
"No, it's completely dead."
"Alright, let's go shopping."

And with that the summer of high costs began. Summer is a bad time in general for things to go in this house because as an elementary school office administrator, I'm not paid during the summer months, so additional expenses are not welcome. However, this summer I'm on mat leave, so there are funds coming in but not a lot and not a lot for awhile now.

Luckily there are "don't pay until" plans which were saving our butts so far this summer. After the basement TV went, so did the BBQ. The BBQ really upset me because I hate to throw out such a large item, but it rusted right through all the important stuff in the guts, and the exterior isn't worth the scrap metal. So we "didn't pay until" again and invested in a good quality, better last me more than 4 years, new BBQ. Reduce, reuse, recycle? Yeah right! Things aren't meant to last anymore. We got 7 years out of the TV and only 4 out of the BBQ (which is apparently fantastic for a low end BBQ...which is RIDICULOUS!).

And then the storm hit. No litterally, there was a rain storm yesterday and the power went out in Kanata. We weren't home when it happened but we were in the area and there were lights out around the corner, so we assume our power went out, or at least something bad happened to our house electronically.

We got home around dinner time last night, and SuperFox reported that the TV in the basement wasn't working, actually none of the electronics were. You know...the BRAND NEW TV we bought! *gack* Luckily we had insured our tv with a high end surge protector power bar and all of our basement electronics were plugged into that. We lost the power bar, but all of our electronics plugged into it were spared. (piece of advice...invest in these...worth every penny)

Then SuperFox notified me that the oven wasn't working. It appears whatever happened blew out the digital display on our oven. Our stove top works but cooking in the oven is out the window for the time being. It's not longer under warrantee and we're reluctant to have a repairman in and pay $81 for the first 15 minutes for him to tell us...we need a new unit. Luckily it's summer and we have a brand new good quality BBQ so TECHNICALLY we can survive with our BBQ and stove top for a little while until we figure out what we want to do (hopefully not more "don't pay untils"). I might have to learn how to bake on the BBQ. Guess what we're going to want for Christmas this year?

Nope...not an oven...a TV. With the power issue yesterday, the little 4 year old TVin our living room died. It was also plugged into a surge protector power bar, and everything else plugged into that power bar is fine, but the TV. Dead. Now technically we don't NEED two TVs. There are only two of us, and we have two iPads, two iPhones, a laptop and a desktop computer. A second TV isn't a NEED. However, it is the TV hooked up to our Apple TV where we do 80% of our TV watching. So yeah, we'd love a new TV for Christmas...but a little before that because I love watching Chritmas movies in the living room with a fire going in the fireplace. Or I could just rediscover my love of reading? Oh wait...I have a 6 month old. I need a TV :)

And then our thermostat didn't seem to be working properly either. Luckily we'd just recently enrolled to pay for a service plan monthly on our furnace. So this morning the furnace guy came out to our place. He started by looking at the furnace and found a crack in the heat exchange. I know nothing about furnaces and their components...but it was describe as "This is bad." and when I asked "how bad" the answer was "kaboom bad". So on top of the two "we should probably replace" items that have just gone kaput, we have a "YOU MUST REPLACE" item at the top of that list. You know, the most expensive one...yay!

So, what have we discovered? Mother nature hates my home appliances? Nature is stronger than mankind? We have too many things? Electricity is bad? Yup, probably all of those things, but mostly...we're lucky and blessed. These are easy problems that are facing us, expensive ones possibly but not life threatening. Our house didn't go kaboom. There are financial plans to help us out in this situation. We will replace what we need most and work from there. I was upset last night with all of this "happening all at the same time", but we are healthy, we are not destitute, we are fine.

And really at the end of all of this...I'm exstatic because TNG just slept. In her crib. For a nap. For 1 hour and 10 minutes!!!! Seriously, THIS is huge, THIS is what I'm focusing on, THIS is...AWESOME!

For me, not for you

Late Saturday, June 15, 2013

Two things happened this week, one today and one yesterday.

Yesterday a friend who blogs said she didn't do it for the fame, she does it because she loves to write. Then this evening someone said that this time with TNG goes by so fast and that I am good with my words so I should document this time of her life with my words. 

I think I have always blogged from the wrong perspective. I have written from the standpoint of what will other people read instead of what is it that I want to say.

I am afraid of offending, of looking stupid, of not being funny enough, or deep enough, or smart enough. But I'm not sure blogging really needs to be about any of those. Clearly if I want fame blogging is not the way I'm going to get it, so I should stop thinking in my head that it's what will happen if I just do it "right" and instead actually just do it.

Even now I can feel myself over thinking "my next post", so I will try in moments like this to talk myself out of it and just write.

I always end these "the future of my blog" posts the same "I will blog every day" and I never do. So all I can say is, I would like to document these early days with TNG in a way that I can use to look back and remember them as she turns 4 and starts school, turns 17 and graduates from high school,  and that's as far as I can think because other than that I will not even imagine what steps lie in store for her, I look forward to her amazing and surprising me at every turn :)

At 5.5 months she's almost crawling and there is so much of this early journey that I could have recounted but for my pride and delusions :)

So I will try to stop writing for anyone other than me and I hope I will thank myself for it later.

With love,

~sarah~

Requested recipe - Peppercorn Brandy Cream Chicken (or Chicken Madagascar)

@GraceInTheKitchen tweeted the other day and asked what special dish we would like to have cooked tonight. I immediately replied "Chicken in a peppercorn brandy cream sauce". It's a delicious dish my Mum makes.

When I tweeted that I had a couple requests for the recipe. So I emailed my Mum and here it is. It is not an original family recipe but rather from a cookbook. I'm not sure what recipe posting rules are but the cookbook is credited. It's AMAZINGLY delicious and I highly recommend it. I could live on the sauce alone.

Please note: if you know where in Ottawa I can find green peppercorns please post in the comments or tweet me...my Mum can't find them at Bulk Barn anymore and they really make the recipe :)

Chicken Madagascar from Harrowsmith Cookbook Volume Two

INGREDIENTS
2 chicken breasts
Worcestershire sauce.
2 Tbsp unsalted butter
1 oz brandy
2 cloves garlic
1 oz strong chicken stock
2 Tbsp minced shallots
1/2 c whipping cream
1/2 Tbsp green peppercorns

DIRECTIONS
- Debone and skin chicken breasts (or just use boneless/skinless)
- Pound between wax paper until meat is of even thickness.
- Melt butter and saute garlic and shallots.
- Add chicken and brown lightly, but do not overcook.
- Remove meat and keep warm.
- Add peppercorns and Worcestershire sauce and mash peppercorns.
- Add brandy and chicken stock and cook over high heat to reduce liquid and deglaze pan.
- Reduce heat, add cream and salt and simmer, stirring constantly, until cream begins to thicken.
- Return chicken and continue to simmer until chicken is heated through.
Serves 2

We usually serve it over rice so that it absorbs the extra sauce, basically the rice becomes a sauce delivery system :) :) :)

ENJOY!

Location:Jackson Crt,Ottawa,Canada

No apologies

For a while now, but increasingly over the past week or so, I have been feeling defensive about the choices I am making in how I am raising my daughter.

I knew even before we got pregnant that I intended, to the best of my ability, to breastfeed, or at least pump and provide breast milk, for a year. I fought hard in our first few weeks to be able to breastfeed exclusively and I'm glad we were successful. However, other than breastfeeding I didn't know what kind of decisions lay ahead and what choices I would eventually make.

During the pregnancy we decided to buy an Arms Reach Co-Sleeper. Since I intended to breastfeed, keeping her close during the night made the most sense. I didn't realize that this would mean some nights while she was feeding we would both fall asleep. I had judged and thought poorly of parents who shared their beds with their children. So although she spends most of her nights in the co-sleeper, we do bed share for part of the night. She currently falls asleep around 8pm and if left to sleep will wake by 8:45am, and I wouldn't change a thing.

I loved the idea of baby wearing carriers early on, and she loved being in them. Seeing the world from my level, being able to look around and see everything that was going on. Once we figured out the Moby wrap, we were in heaven. Falling asleep and then napping in the carrier became a natural progression. If worn, she will sometimes take 2 full two hour naps during the day. Most days she takes 2 to 3 one hour naps in the carrier. Either way her overnight pattern stays the same.

I registered for a baby food processor while we were pregnant, with the intention of making my own baby food, however as I learn and read more I think we are moving towards more of a Baby Lead Weaning method of introducing food and feeding. We will give her easy to handle food that we are already eating and let her feed herself, discovering food she likes and how to eat. It sounds like it will be messy at first, but it also feels right for us.

I am now considering breastfeeding for a much longer period, and leaving it up to my daughter when to wean. This is something that I used to scoff at and even mock in other mothers. Since becoming a mother I now understand the desire to continue breastfeeding past one year. I am ashamed of my behaviour before becoming a mother and my horrible judgement. When I go back to work during the day I will pump and provide breast milk, but in while we are at home in the evenings, overnight and mornings, and as long as it continues to make sense for us, I intend to continue breastfeeding.

As long as we are breastfeeding at night, having her in the co-sleeper makes the most sense for us. She doesn't have to cry loudly or very long to get my attention, and neither of us really have to wake up. I always figured she'd be transitioning to a crib shortly, but because we are both getting good nights sleep we will keep her next to us for as long as it continues to work.

Nighttime and naptime are working for us right now and until things change we won't introduce the crib. I recognize that she won't be able to sleep in the Moby or Becco forever, but if something is working, why bother changing it. We will cross that bridge eventually. When we do start putting her in her crib, whether overnight or for naps, I don't intend to let her cry it out. I always thought we would, but then I had her and my ideas changed. I'm not sure what we will do to help make those transitions, but I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone to cry and figure it out on her own. Currently we use the crib as a happy place to read and play during the day so that when we start using the crib for sleeping she'll know it's a safe and happy place.

I was worried that my husband wouldn't support me, but he is wonderful as well as practical. He knows that I am with her all day and trusts my choices. He also agrees that if these things are working for us, and she is a happy and healthy baby, why change them. He also retains the right to raise concerns or have discussions when things start to change and to work together to make decisions learning about our choices and figuring out what works best for us as a family.

But even now I know I am writing this post to put all of my choices out there. Almost daring others to question me, to judge me. Whenever these topics come up with other people, especially other mothers, I feel like I introduce them from a place of insecurity and defense, waiting for them to try and change my mind or think badly of me. Even though these are things I feel strongly about and shouldn't feel insecure.

Where does this insecurity come from? I think my insecurities stem from a place within myself. That place that judged mothers before I became one. The place of ignorance before I knew what it was to be a mother. I mocked those women like they were celebrities on TMZ (and some of them were). And now I am one of "those" mothers and I'm not sure how to process my feelings knowing the ignorance and judgement that is out there.

Am I going to continue to feel this way about every decision I make for my daughter and any other children who come along? I hope not. I hope I can find a way to get passed these feelings of insecurity. How can I become more confident and less concerned about judgement? If my choices are made because they work for us, why am I insecure? Does every mother feel this way about the choices she makes?

My first step is to stop judging others. Then it will be to educate, not about the choices I make, but about the judgement we all have. I need to understand and make others understand that the choices themselves are not right or wrong. Each decision is right for each individual, each child, each family. If I want people to respect my choices, they need to know that I respect theirs. My fear of judgement needs to stop with me.

With love,
~sarah~

My affliction (or Why I Shaved my Head)

I don't talk about it much because, until recently, I hid it well.

I "suffer" from a condition called Alopecia Areata. Short explanation, I have bald patches all over my head due to hair loss. Longer explanation, I have an autoimmune disorder where my scalp views my hair as a foreign entity and attacks my hair follicles causing the hair to fall out. This leaves behind round bald patches all over my head, which increasingly expand and merge into larger patches.

I say "suffer" in quotation marks because there is no pain, other than maybe the treatment of sub-cutaneous injections of steroids into my scalp every 6 weeks. Or the pain in my heart when I dwell on the problem.

I had my first outbreak in my teens. Most people were not aware. Some who noticed would ask why I was so dumb as to shave my head in patches. I don't recall it bothering me too much when they would ask this, as it was their ignorance and had nothing to do with me.

Even until recently most people I told could not even tell, other than I have thin limp hair, but hey, lots of people have that problem.

During my teens the outbreak only lasted a short while, was never very bad and went away after a year or two, I barely even remember. This time I have been living with it since July 2008. We have no idea what brought it on, what's keeping it going or how to stop it. In a panic once in 2009 I threatened that if it got worse I would cancel my wedding, it got worse and I still got married. In a moment of seeming clarity I said I would not have a baby until it cleared up, it didn't clear up and I am now a mother. And I always said I wouldn't wear a wig unless it got really, really bad. A week ago I wore a wig out to dinner, and the next day I bought two more.

I wasn't hoping, but wondered if maybe hormones during pregnancy might clear up the problem. I knew it wasn't realistic but I speculated that chemical changes after child birth might correct the situation. I didn't expect anything but thought breastfeeding might strengthen my immune system. None of these things came to pass and my hair loss is now the worst it has ever been.

My thoughts are now whether or not I should just shave my head. My daughter and I start Baby and Me swimming lessons in a couple of weeks and I can already see my bright, white, scalp spots gleaming brightly through my stringy, wet hair as I meet other new Moms like me. Having to explain the condition repeatedly. No I don't have cancer. No it's not contagious. I hope we do an "introduce & tell us something about yourself" at the first lesson, only have to tell it once.

Overall I like to think I deal with the whole thing really well. I feel like I'm more worried and anxious about my hair when the condition is dormant than when it's falling out.

In the world of horrible conditions I got off easy. My condition attacks my vanity and my pride. I have no pain, no physical discomfort, no suffering. If given the option, I would not trade this in for something else.

I'm glad my daughter seems to have been born with my husbands hair.

I wish I liked wearing hats.

With love
~sarah~

Update

I finally shaved my head yesterday (May 17th).

My hair loss had continued at an increased rate and I was finding it everywhere and it was just adding insult to injury.  However, even with what little hair I had before I shaved it, it sure makes a huge difference when I look in the mirror.

The positive reponse I've received from friends and family and online friends has been amazing. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by so much positive support. It has made this part of the journey so wonderful.

Thank you!

Being a mother = crazy?

This might seem like a crazy complaint, but I've discovered that being a mother I sometimes feel I worry about anything and everything, and am becoming neurotic.

She is 12 weeks now and sleeps well at night. She goes down after our 1hr bedtime feed at 8pm and usually wakes around 2am and we dream feed. And then again every 1.5hrs-2hrs for more dream feeding until whenever we wake. It's great, she feeds well, I sleep well, she sleeps well, everyone is happy.

Tonight I woke at 3am because my breasts were leaking everywhere and aching, she didn't wake me at 2am! So I panic and check her breathing. She's fine. But because of our early breastfeeding issues, and my GP making me crazy about weight gain early on, I want to wake her to feed her. She's always fed well at night (after our initial issues) but has started being fussy at the breast during the day. I have this fear that she won't eat enough if she doesn't eat overnight. But waking a baby that sleeps well at night feels ludicrous. I manage, through checking her breathing regularly, to wake her so she feeds a little, but not "enough" in my mind, and so I lie here awake and worried, which makes me feel like I'm losing it a little.

Between my achey leaking breasts, my fear that she's not breathing, my worry about her feeding, a sick cat banging it's recovery neck cone everywhere (a tale of woe...poor kitty) and to top it off a husband who is snoring like a freight train tonight, I can't sleep although everyone else (maybe not kitty) is fine!!!

This must sound ridiculous to mothers who have babies who don't sleep at night. Or to people who deal with real insomnia. And I do feel ridiculous typing this and stressing, but I'm worried about her feeding, my milk production and what is going on with her sleep and feeding during the day. I know babies are constantly changing and going through huge leaps and bounds, that nothing is constant,but it doesn't matter when things are going well in one respect, I worry anyway! Being wide awake at this hour for no other reason but my own brain makes me feel like I'm losing it a little. And being someone who has never suffered with insomnia I can add a worry about my own sleep patterns to my list of things that have my brain firing on all cylinders this morning (4am now).

And although this might sound like I'm complaining, I'm not. I wouldn't trade these concerns for the problems other mothers have. My daughter is an easy baby. I have nothing to complain about. Motherhood just seems to bring with it new sensitivities and being constantly concerned, even when everything is going well.

And yet I can label all of these feelings as the "joys of motherhood" and not sarcastically. I wouldn't change any of this. I am not at all unhappy. Maybe a little uncomfortable physically, mentally & psychologically...but after writing this all out and considering it all...it feels right in all of it's wonderful stressful chaos.

(I clearly need some sleep) :)

with love
~sarah~

Baby Steps

It might seem ridiculous, but tonight was the first night I officially left the little one alone with her Dad. (Because I want to be with her all the time) It was only for (barely) an hour and it was so I could go to the dentist. I was more upset about it beforehand than during although I told every single person at the dentist office about it. That helped make it feel less stressful.

And guess what? She survived. He survived. I survived (and my tooth doesn't hurt anymore).

We have not yet introduced a bottle but we will be doing that when she's 12 weeks old. Once that happens I have a feeling there will be more moments apart. It seems like a very little thing, but it feels pretty huge.

I definitely want my hubby to have lots of one-on-one time with her. She and I are solid, and he deserves to have those moments too.

In the end I'm not sure if she missed me. But I missed the heck out of her.

With love
~sarah~

New things

As new parents we're doing everything for the first time. Last night was city swimming lesson registrations. The online site and phone lines open at 10pm. After having seen other parents in previous years complain about the system on Facebook and Twitter I thought we were prepared.

We stayed up until 10 (I was ready for bed last night by 9). We had my laptop, iPad and two iPhones ready. We had the pages ready to load and at 9:58 we started refreshing the sites and redialing the phone number.

It took at least 30 minutes for us to get through online the first time. I didn't want to rush but the process creates this panic of "have to do this quick". There is red scrolling script at the top of the page saying you'll be logged off after 3 minutes of inactivity, so I'm not slowing down to read details!

I created an account, I found the swimming lesson time/date/location we wanted, and then I tried to register (it's a babies lesson where a parent is required to go too). When I tried to sign up it old me I was too old, I had to be between the ages of 4 months to 10 months. Argh!

So I tried to add my daughter to the account. No such luck. There is nowhere to add or edit your information. WHAT?!? And now the system was going to log me out and there wasn't anything I could do.

We kept refreshing again while we came up with a plan. About 10 minutes later we got in again. We decided to create an account for my husband and daughter. It wouldn't let us use the same address so we used my mother's since I think my husband still has one bill that is sent there (yes we should change that after 4 years!), it worked and I figured I could fix it all later.

Then I tried to register for the lesson again. It wouldn't let me again, she is 4 days too young! ARGH!!!!

I was in a panic, these lessons are filling up fast. There is only one week day, daytime, indoor lesson in our neighbourhood.

So I tried calling 3-1-1 as the website suggests you do if you are having problems. I got through to a person fairly quickly but was informed that he was unable to do anything and that my request would have to wait until 7 am.

After one final try around 11:30pm (!!!!) I got through. I created a THIRD account, using my maiden name, my sister's address, my mother's phone number and my secondary email account, I didn't care at this point. I changed my daughter's date of birth to the day before the first lesson (I figured we'll skip the first lesson iif they're sticklers about it, she'll be 4 months old at the second lesson), and FINALLY got registered.

Yes, I realize I broke the rules and lied about my information, but this whole system caused me panic and stress. I was getting my child registered for swimming lessons come hell or high water!

To add insult to injury, I tried to call 3-1-1 this morning to delete the two first accounts and then change my info on the account where we're registered. There was a 43 minute wait on hold. Seeing as I only get 100 free daytime minutes, I'll wait to do it later!

So although next year we'll have to go through the same constant refreshing websites system, at least we know how the whole thing works! :)

With love
~sarah~

Trust Is Such A Delicate Thing

If motherhood doesn't make you crazy enough as it is, there are people out there who will make you even crazier. You suspect these people will be the obvious choices, mostly family members who know how to push your buttons; like your mother-in-law, step-parents, siblings or co-workers, or even just really nosy strangers in public. You don't expect it to be the people you really trust.

In our 4th week we saw our family doctor for the first time. Our care had been with our midwives up to this point. However, due to both the initial weight loss, then the later issue where she neither gained nor lost in 8 days, our midwives asked us to make an appointment with our family doctor in case further tests and follow up might be required. That was in week three.

Our family doctor was away on vacation until the following week, so we made another appointment with our midwives, and with our family doctor the day after that appointment when she was back. We left with a promise to continue supplement through co-feeding while tracking regularly and calling if anything went wrong.

We have had our family doctor for almost four years. We were able to get in with her shortly after we moved to Ottawa. We have always felt we had a good relationship with her. She is someone I trusted faithfully. When she found out we were pregnant she was ecstatic. She cannot deliver babies but offered to follow us through the pregnancy if we were unable to get on with a midwife. She even said, almost lovingly, that if she was there when I went into labour that she promised to catch the baby. Later on in my pregnancy, SuperFox had an appointment. She was so happy for us and insisted we call her "as soon as that baby was born" she told him excitedly. This was someone I trusted & respected.

Over the following 6 days between midwife appointments we tracked details, fed well continuing to supplement with my pumped breastmilk, my supply never being a concern. I spoke with my lactation consultant that weekend who was also concerned about the lack of gain, but we assured her we were back on track, we had appointments set up, everything would be fine and that we would contact her if we needed any further assistance.

On Tuesday we saw the midwives, and things were great! Her weight was up, 7 oz in 6 days. Right on track with healthy weight gain. I was so happy with our hard work and our progress. She had developed a head cold with a cough over the weekend, no fever. There was no concern by the midwives over the chest congestion but instructed that if things got worse to take her directly to CHEO.

The following morning the cold got worse. I didn't feel like I could wait until our appointment that afternoon. So I picked up SuperFox at work and the three of us headed to CHEO. While we were there we gave them the Coles notes of her first four weeks, including the weight gain issues. They weren't concerned about the chest congestion, however her blood oxygen levels were a little low due to her nasal congestion. But after they suctioned out some heavy mucus she inproved and we were on our way. The doctor in emerg had asked about the weight issues, we told him about the recent gain and he seemed comfortable with her whole image of health.

I almost considered canceling our appointment that afternoon. Her weight was on track and her cold was much better, but I remembered how excited our doctor had been to meet our new arrival and so I kept the appointment, to show off this little doll.

When we first sat down with my doctor she caught me off guard by asking what birth control we were planning to use, stressing that breastfeeding doesn't protect you from getting pregnant. My husband joked about "Irish twins". It seemed like a strange way to start the appointment. Then I proceeded to explain that we'd been at CHEO that morning and the congestion.

When she asked a bit about the weight issue I mentioned that I had been pumping after each feed and using some of it to suplement. I also mentioned that I had so much pumped that I had donated this extra breastmilk to a friend in need who couldn't produce enough for her little one. She went to check weight charts (I'm assuming) and came back quite flustered.

She was very upset that our little one hadn't gained back her loss in the first 10 to 14 days. She was shocked that the staff at CHEO hadn't been more concerned about her weight issues. I tried to explain that we didn't know about the initial loss until day 5 and that at day 10 she had oral surgery to release a lip tie and posterior tongue tie, and we had gained before that. I explained that we were seeing a lactation consultant who was also a RN and that we were finally back on track and gaining again but these did not appease her.

Her strict instructions were to immediately stop pumping, that I was thinning my milk production. She then told me to replace every second feed with formula from a bottle. She seemed perplexed that I wanted to pump at each of these replaced feeds to keep up my milk production for after things got better. She said she supported breastfeeding and that "breast was best" but her instructions spoke differently. She didn't give us a timeline but insinuated that these changes could continue for weeks.

I feel very strongly about breastfeeding for myself and daughter. I knew I was producing more than enough milk for our little angel and that we had struggled but were figuring it out. I knew that stopping pumping would make me engorged, that giving my daughter a bottle this early and after all of our difficulties might case nipple confusion. And I was horribly afraid that she would prefer formula and never take my breast or my milk again.

Unfortunately I was not able to express these feelings. I was not able to tell her my reasons for wanting to breastfeed over formula feed and bottle feed. I sat there and cried. She made me promise to make the changes. That it was the best for my child. That there was too big a risk of hindering her mental development if we didn't make these changes and have her "start gaining" (but she WAS gaining again!).

I cried all the way home, I cried well into the evening, I cried overnight when I tried to add a feeding and it was thrown up all over me. I was hysterical for many of the following 12 hours.

Someone I had trusted hadn't listened to me, hadn't heard me, hasn't tried to work with me, and put the fear in me that I was damaging my newborn child. A child that showed no signs of any problems. She was pink in colour from birth, many wet and soiled diapers, lots of alertness, lots of sleep, great muscle tone and just an all around perfect baby.

We have only seen our doctor once more since that appointment. My daughter's weight was up and my doctor was placated by that and by the fact that we had an appointment with a pediatrician to whom she had referred us, promising follow up with him. However, I feel like our relationship has changed.

We have our 2 month immunization appointment and my first post-partum appointment with her scheduled. I'm hoping that these weeks away from her will help me to feel more confident going back to her. A good doctor is hard to find, but so is any doctor. And many doctors taking patients won't take you if you have an existing physician.

I know she was only doing what she thought was best. That as a doctor she has to prescribe the best course as sees it. I know physicians are expected to know EVERYTHING, but that there is much they don't know, other than through exposure and experience. But I felt like my doctor didn't listen to me. She didn't take the time to understand how hard we had worked and that we were getting results. That there were no signs that I was thinning my milk by pumping but rather protecting my supply. That here was a healthy baby who had HAD weight gain issues but who was making great strides forward and who if simply monitored would continue to improve. And that the changes she wanted me to make could have had major medical implications for both myself (engorgement & mastitis), not to mention the emotional toll it had taken on me, but for my daughter too. Such drastic changes might have caused her to start losing again. She might not have taken the bottle or the formula, what then. And giving me less than 2 days for a follow up with her did not give us enough time to make major changes and not fail.

I felt like I was strained at our follow up with her. I really want our relationship to go back to where it was. I'm not sure if I can ever feel safe with her again. If I won't question every prescription, diagnosis or opinion she gives. I am trying to let go of my anger, my distrust and my heartbreak from that one appointment with her but I'm not sure if I'll ever shake the feeling that she created. She made me feel like I was the worst mother, like I was killing my daughter, and I don't know if I can ever forget that.

The best advice that I have received from other professionals, friends and family alike is to trust my instincts as a mother. Trust that I am making the right choices for us. I am learning to trust these feelings but every time she has a feed that doesn't go as long as it should or where she is fussy or not sucking well I feel like I am hurting her. If she sleeps too much or doesn't sleep enough I worry that my choice to continue to breastfeed might cause her major developmental issues. I worry that she might die because I'm not feeding her properly, even though her weight continues to be up. I no longer trust my doctor, and yet I still trust her enough to no longer trust myself.

With love
~sarah~

To Wake or Not To Wake - That is the Question

We had some feeding issues initially. She lost 14% of her birth weight in the first 5 days which is more than the medical community likes to see in a newborn. We consulted with a lactation consultant. So through co-feeding, with the help of my husband and the use of a syringe and catheter of my pumped breastmilk at the breast, we started helping her put weight on at a healthy-ish rate (still on the low side). She put on some weight. Then we had her lip tie and posterior tongue tie released at day 10 to continue to help with the feeding issue. Over the next 8 days after that she neither gained nor lost. We then continued to co-feed and she began gaining again slowly.

Then two weeks ago, even though she was beginning to make some real progress, our family doctor made me even more paranoid than before about feeding and her weight gain. She insisted we supplement with formula, cutting out every second feeding at the breast. Telling me to stop pumping, which I have been doing after each feed to protect my milk supply. She was concerned that I was thinning out my milk.

Both of the these instructions upset me beyond belief. My child is healthy. Her colour is fantastic, she has never been jaundiced. She pees and poos like a champ. The doctor had commented on her fantatsic muscle tone. When she is awake she is alert and meeting her "age markers". And when she sleeps, she sleeps like a dream. So if she's fine on all other counts why should we make such drastic changes to what has been working?

Ever since she was born night feedings have been difficult. She does not like waking up at night. Even early on I believed if left to her own devices that she would sleep through the night. But due to all of her feeding and weight gain issues it was recommended that we wake her every couple of hours to feed. Going an hour extra between feeds overnight was fine, but I was still waking her.

We have a co-sleeper basinette attached to my side of the bed to help facilitate healthy feeding. I love this crib as it gives me the benefits of co-sleeping but creates the separation of our own beds. Occassionally she would wake me and prompt me just before my alarm would go off. Giving me the faith that she will feed when she's hungry.

In the past few days I have been setting my overnight alarms to check on her a little later each night. Most of the time she wakes me or when I check on her with the dim light on (thanks to my husband for the side table lamp dimmer switch) she wakes from my movement and the light.

However, each time the next feed goes a little later, the crazy person the doctor turned me into 2 weeks ago rears her ugly head. Should I wake this perfectly healthy baby from a wonderful sleep in order to insure that she feeds? My doctor talked about needing to eat and gain properly to build all the millions of neural pathways and synapses (not sure if I'm getting this right...it IS the middle of the night right now) that a baby needs for brain development in her first weeks and months of life. But doesn't she need healthy sleep too? Won't she wake me on her own when she's good and hungry?

So last night, all evening, she fed really well. She appeared to be cluster feeding at 4, 5, 6:30, 8 and 9:30. These were all good and solid feeds, some of which even lasted more than 30 minutes (we aim to feed 15 minutes each side). And at the two later feeds when I was concerned there might not be enough milk because of her constant interest, I added a little pumped milk supplement, through the syringe and catheter which I am now able to do on my own, and she took an additional ounce from that. So she prepared for a long rest. Can't I be confident in this? Can't I trust that she was bulking up for a long night's sleep?

Now it is 4am. My alarm went off at 3:30. I checked on her and she was still sleeping soundly. I reset my alarm for 4:30, but as soon as I tried to go back to sleep the panic set in. In letting her sleep am I hindering her development? Am I causing her untold problems? Is she going to start loosing weight again?

Everyone tells me to trust my instincts. That she is a beautiful and obviously healthy baby. That there is nothing wrong with her. If a baby sleeps through the night accept your blessings and let her sleep. But I have trouble trusting these instincts. I was told there was something wrong and I didn't notice. What if there is something wrong now and I'm hurting her by not waking her?

The biggest problem I have had with breastfeeding is that I am constantly questioning myself and stressing myself out in the process. Am I doing the right thing? Am I hurting her? Am I keeping something from her by not feeding her formula? All of my friends who formula feed their babies are doing fine. Heck, I was primarily formula fed and so was my husband and we are both fine. So why not add a little extra? However, I am fanatically paranoid about introducing a bottle of even pumped milk for fear that she will prefer the bottle and reject my breast. This last idea breaks my heart.

So I started writing this post over an hour ago to share my experience but also to stop myself from cycling over and over again in my head while listening to her breathe in the crib next to me, worrying. Since beginning to type I heard her begin the stir and then I took the sound of a diaper being filled as my cue to change her (and yes, wake her). While changing her she immediately started making her "boobie faces" (sucking motions with her mouth), and after the change we started feeding.

And even now as she cuddles next to me I worry, she only fed for 18 minutes. 10 on the right, 8 on the left. We always try to do 15 each side. Is she slipping into old patterns? Should I wake her, strip her down, blow in her face to get her to do another 12 minutes? So I leave her lying next to me, hoping she's just taking a break and will feed some more shortly (which she sometimes does).

I have an almost 7 week old who will go almost 7 hours between feeds and sleep for more than 6 hours. Why am I complaining? And yet even now I continue to ask To Wake or Not To Wake...because right now...That IS the question.

With love
~sarah~

Nursing in Bed - Bliss or Burden

After some initial nursing difficulties, we are finally on the right track with her regularly prompting me to feed and her gaining weight steadily, if still a little slowly.

And about a week ago we figured out how to nurse lying down in bed for our overnight feeds. Amazing, right?

It means I don't have to get up to a scheduled feed (with an alarm) in the middle of the night, put on my glasses, stumble around with a sleeping, swaddled baby and try to get her to wake long enough to feed to make the whole process worthwhile in the middle of the night. Perfect! Now I just listen for her to prompt me from the basinette attached to our bed, lift her in next to me and let her eat, while I lay here half asleep.

At least that's what I hope it will eventually turn into. Because at the moment...not perfect, because we're still learning, but mostly because I'm still concerned about weight gain (my doctor having made me a crazy person).

So turn on the light, luckily not too bright as my husband installed a dimmer on the lamp next to my side of the bed, then I bring my phone into the bed too, and check the time on it when she starts feeding, and do breast compressions when I feel like she's too sleepy at the breast, and check the time regularly to make sure she's feeding enough, and flip her to the other side before she's finished nursing on the first side to make sure she feeds evenly so I don't get engorged, and then stress when she won't take the other side because she's fallen back asleep, and then worry that I shouldn't have changed sides because she was feeding fine and would have gotten enough and now she's not and she won't gain enough (see...? crazy!), and then try to figure out if I should leave her in the bed with me in case she wants more right away or just put her back in her crib, and should I set an alarm to wake her just in case because she really didn't eat enough.

By this point I'm awake, so I put her back in her basinette, I go to the bathroom (I might as well since I'm up), then I go back to bed and talk myself down from my craziness and just as I'm falling back asleep I hear the little prompt (which I call boobie-noises) from her bed next to me and I'm relieved that she wants more and we start the process again.

Plus I usually pump after a good feed, as I have been doing to help protect my milk supply through this chaotic time, but when she feeds all over the map like this I don't feel comfortable pumping as I have no idea when she'll feed next and I worry about trying to feed her when there's nothing there, making her upset and possibly rejecting breastfeeding forever (I didn't say my worries were rational!)

Luckily my husband has not yet been disturbed by this process (at least I don't think he is), thank goodness he's a sound sleeper. I am blessed that he is and has been so supportive of this whole process because it has been difficult and has made us both a little crazy about her weight gain and feeding issues. Although he might say something when he gets up this morning, as I may have dropped my phone noisily down the back of the bed and then spent 10 minutes trying to retrieve it using a clothes hanger.

But although this has been quite a learning curve and not initially the most natural thing, I think nursing in bed when it works is blissful. The moment when she is properly latched, drinking voraciously, both of us half asleep. I can see her profile in the dim light and I just feel calm, peaceful and connected to this little life. Nothing tops this wonderful feeling.

The burden comes from the learning process, mixed with the worry given to me by my doctor. That being said I'm not sure I needed the doctor's help, worry seems to have been delivered along with this little bundle; is she eating enough, awake enough, asleep enough, playing enough, alert enough, enough wet diapers, was that mark there before, is she having trouble breathing, is she getting a cold, does she feel hot to you, and so on.

So we will continue to find these little moments of bliss in these overnight feeds as I expect the little moments of bliss will simply become the norm. And really this process of breastfeeding, which has been a challenge and stressful and chaotic, has been the most amazing and rewarding thing I have done since having her.

With love,
~Sarah

Cuddles & Excuses

I've been meaning to blog for weeks now. Ever since the birth of our little angel; to document every marvelous and wonderful experience of being a new Mum. However, I've been busy, but I also think I've been avoiding it and making excuses, although I'm not exactly sure why.

Our precious doll was born a little over 6 weeks ago. I am currently lying here on the couch with her snuggled up on top of me. Usually I would nap with her, or throw her in the Baby Bjorn & get things done around the house, or watch another episode of Lost Girl (I'm addicted), but I realized while making excuses not to blog that now is the perfect time to break out of my writer's block.

I find it amusing that half of my posts are about how I'm trying to get started blogging. Obviously I've started, like a smoker quitting smoking again each week, now to stick with it.

My blog post ideas usually swirl in my head after my middle of the night feeding. I write full blog posts in my head, but am too tired to roll over and pick up my phone to write them out.

Well I'm hoping that this post will be the prelude to my Mommy-blogging days.

That being said, now that I've started things I think I'll take that as a cue to take that nap with this little darling :) because nothing on earth beats this feeling, lying here with this precious gift sleeping quietly and soundly on my chest. Smelling of that baby smell (clean, warm, breastmilk and joy), warm and cuddly, loving me and trusting me without thought or constraint. These days are numbered, some day she will be too big and grown up to share wonderful moments like this one, but for now I'm just going to soak up each second so I have a giant fountain of memories to remember as we create new moments.

With love
~sarah~