She is my heart

Today we went to the indoor kids play park. It's been such a miserably cold winter and we both have cabin fever. Mix that with a new baby and her, a toddler who needs to run and burn off energy, and you have lots of episodes of thrown toys and meltdowns at home. The indoor park is an oasis for both of us.

As soon as we get there we head straight for the slide, her favourite thing by far. There are three little girls running around together in a group. Shortly after we arrived she was chasing after the girls calling "Friends! Friends!" and my heart breaks for her a little. These girls are just a little older than her. They are caught up in whatever game they are already playing and are not aware of her. 

After the girls take off on an obstacle that slows her down, just enough that she can't catch up, she comes back to me, shoulders down, looking defeated and asks, "where my friends?" She repeats this a question a couple of times looking extremely perplexed, hoping I can solve this problem.

I want these girls to play with her, to see what an awesome little kid she is. To want to be her friends. My heart breaks again. These girls aren't being mean, she just hasn't approached them properly. I love that my daughter just assumes that everyone is already her friend and should want to play with her. I love her confidence, and I don't want her to lose that, but I realize she needs the language and the tools to make it happen.

I get down to her level and start to try to explain to her in a way she'll understand. I tell her she needs to talk to the girls. That she needs to introduce herself and ask them to play. That she can ask them to be her friends.  I explain that should say, "hi, my name is Monkey. Would you like to play with me?" And she can even ask if they'd like to be friends. 

She seems mostly distracted in that toddler way, not really listening to what I'm saying, more interested in all of the activity going on around us. More interested in going back to running around, playing and chasing more friends. I wonder if she understood anything I was saying or if the concepts were over her head.

She goes back to running around and playing by herself.

I see her up top, chasing and following the girls again. I hope they recognize that she wants to play with them. I hope that they will include her in their play. 

A little later on she is with them instead of just chasing them. She looks at me and says "my friends" so earnestly, and continues to play with them. My heart swells. A short while later she is holding hands with one of them and running. I hope she asked first. We've been working on asking people before grabbing them and pulling them to do what she wants. Always so enthusiastic, we've started to teach her consent, as she is so bold and confident.

As the morning ends it's time for everyone to go. The mommy of the other little girl pulls her aside and says "ok 5 more minutes and then we're going home". I'm going to piggyback off their exit to help ease the "I don't want to leave" tantrum that often occurs when we leave somewhere, especially somewhere as fun as this.

Five minutes later the mom comes to take them to the washroom before they leave. I tell her to say goodbye to her friend and that we're going to go home too. She looks up at me and sadly asks "my friend?" The other mother and I share a glance. It's comfortable although we haven't spoken. She says "sorry", I reply, "that's ok, we have to go too, perfect timing". I wish I had talked to her more, asked when they'd be back or could I find her on social media so we could arrange to meet up here again, for the girls. 

We manage to leave with little to no incident. Focusing on the goldfish snack she'll get in the car and the lunch we'll have when we get home. A couple of times in the car ride home she looks at me and sadly says "my friends go home." 

At dinner that night I ask her to "tell Daddy what we did today" and then prompt her, reminding her that we went to the "indoor play park" when she looks to me for help remembering.

Her face lights up in the biggest smile and she looks at Daddy and says in the most compelling little voice, "hewwo, you wanna pway wif me" and then rambles on happily. Daddy looks at me questioningly. And tears well up in my eyes. 

She heard me! She understood me. And who knows, maybe she even used that language to make friends with that little girl. I explain the morning's activities to hubby, I tell him about the conversation I had with her about using the right language and making friends.

I remember again that I am shaping this little person to be the big person she will grow to be. She hears all of my words, she takes in the world around her. My actions are always visible to her and she is learning from my guidance. The things I do and say are important and she will take them with her as she grows. I make a mental note to remember today. To remember to be careful of how I approach things, how I explain things, how I shout out mindless commands, demands and warnings to her. Her little brain is taking it all in, is creating memories and learning from everything I give her. 

This little girl is a part of my heart and I want to make sure I am always aware of how much I affect her. Less important on days like today when my heart breaks for her as I teach her skills to engage the world around her. Much more important when I am angry, upset or tired. I saw the positive outcome of my conscious instruction today, but what is she learning when I am angry, distracted or upset?

Thank you little girl for reminding me of how much I am teaching you every day. I need to always remember that.

Christmas Nuts'n'Bolts

Growing up my aunt and my cousin ALWAYS made my cousin's 4H Nuts'n'Bolts for Christmas. When I moved out on my own I started to make their delicious Christmas snack.  Then I met my husband and that first Christmas he was so happy to see I make Nuts'n'Bolts. His late grandmother had always made Nuts'n'Bolts and when she passed away there were no more Nuts'n'Bolts. I sometimes wonder if he only married me for my Nuts'n'Bolts. 

I usually make 2 big bathes but this year I'm starting with 3 batches and if I have enough ingredients left I'm making a 4th batch. Because you can never have enough Nuts'n'Bolts and once they're gone...they're GONE! 

I know...I know...you want the recipe. So...HERE it is. Careful...it is soooooo delicious!

Maureen's 4H club Nuts'n'Bolts recipe

(these are the quantities I used today)

8 cups of Crispex or Shreddies (I'm using Shreddies this year)

8 cups of Cheerios

4 cups of Peanuts

1 bag of Alphabet Pretzels (President's Choice...6 cups) you can use sticks or small pretzels too 

1 cup (1/2lb) of butter (melted)

1 cup of cooking oil

1/4 cup of Worcestershire sauce

1/4 cup of spices/salts.  It calls for Seasoned Salt, but I also add, Mrs. Dash, Steak Spice, Garlic Salt & Onion Salt

 

Liquid mix - Melt butter, stir in everything else.  
In a giant roasting pan - mix in the dry ingredients then pour the liquid mix over top, stirring until completely mixed
Cook at 250 for 1hr, stirring every 15 minutes.

Let cool and hope you have LOTS of big Tupperware containers.

WTF is wrong with my appliances?!?

"Hey, the TV in the basement isn't working!"
"Are you just saying that so we can get a bigger tv?"
"No, it's completely dead."
"Alright, let's go shopping."

And with that the summer of high costs began. Summer is a bad time in general for things to go in this house because as an elementary school office administrator, I'm not paid during the summer months, so additional expenses are not welcome. However, this summer I'm on mat leave, so there are funds coming in but not a lot and not a lot for awhile now.

Luckily there are "don't pay until" plans which were saving our butts so far this summer. After the basement TV went, so did the BBQ. The BBQ really upset me because I hate to throw out such a large item, but it rusted right through all the important stuff in the guts, and the exterior isn't worth the scrap metal. So we "didn't pay until" again and invested in a good quality, better last me more than 4 years, new BBQ. Reduce, reuse, recycle? Yeah right! Things aren't meant to last anymore. We got 7 years out of the TV and only 4 out of the BBQ (which is apparently fantastic for a low end BBQ...which is RIDICULOUS!).

And then the storm hit. No litterally, there was a rain storm yesterday and the power went out in Kanata. We weren't home when it happened but we were in the area and there were lights out around the corner, so we assume our power went out, or at least something bad happened to our house electronically.

We got home around dinner time last night, and SuperFox reported that the TV in the basement wasn't working, actually none of the electronics were. You know...the BRAND NEW TV we bought! *gack* Luckily we had insured our tv with a high end surge protector power bar and all of our basement electronics were plugged into that. We lost the power bar, but all of our electronics plugged into it were spared. (piece of advice...invest in these...worth every penny)

Then SuperFox notified me that the oven wasn't working. It appears whatever happened blew out the digital display on our oven. Our stove top works but cooking in the oven is out the window for the time being. It's not longer under warrantee and we're reluctant to have a repairman in and pay $81 for the first 15 minutes for him to tell us...we need a new unit. Luckily it's summer and we have a brand new good quality BBQ so TECHNICALLY we can survive with our BBQ and stove top for a little while until we figure out what we want to do (hopefully not more "don't pay untils"). I might have to learn how to bake on the BBQ. Guess what we're going to want for Christmas this year?

Nope...not an oven...a TV. With the power issue yesterday, the little 4 year old TVin our living room died. It was also plugged into a surge protector power bar, and everything else plugged into that power bar is fine, but the TV. Dead. Now technically we don't NEED two TVs. There are only two of us, and we have two iPads, two iPhones, a laptop and a desktop computer. A second TV isn't a NEED. However, it is the TV hooked up to our Apple TV where we do 80% of our TV watching. So yeah, we'd love a new TV for Christmas...but a little before that because I love watching Chritmas movies in the living room with a fire going in the fireplace. Or I could just rediscover my love of reading? Oh wait...I have a 6 month old. I need a TV :)

And then our thermostat didn't seem to be working properly either. Luckily we'd just recently enrolled to pay for a service plan monthly on our furnace. So this morning the furnace guy came out to our place. He started by looking at the furnace and found a crack in the heat exchange. I know nothing about furnaces and their components...but it was describe as "This is bad." and when I asked "how bad" the answer was "kaboom bad". So on top of the two "we should probably replace" items that have just gone kaput, we have a "YOU MUST REPLACE" item at the top of that list. You know, the most expensive one...yay!

So, what have we discovered? Mother nature hates my home appliances? Nature is stronger than mankind? We have too many things? Electricity is bad? Yup, probably all of those things, but mostly...we're lucky and blessed. These are easy problems that are facing us, expensive ones possibly but not life threatening. Our house didn't go kaboom. There are financial plans to help us out in this situation. We will replace what we need most and work from there. I was upset last night with all of this "happening all at the same time", but we are healthy, we are not destitute, we are fine.

And really at the end of all of this...I'm exstatic because TNG just slept. In her crib. For a nap. For 1 hour and 10 minutes!!!! Seriously, THIS is huge, THIS is what I'm focusing on, THIS is...AWESOME!

For me, not for you

Late Saturday, June 15, 2013

Two things happened this week, one today and one yesterday.

Yesterday a friend who blogs said she didn't do it for the fame, she does it because she loves to write. Then this evening someone said that this time with TNG goes by so fast and that I am good with my words so I should document this time of her life with my words. 

I think I have always blogged from the wrong perspective. I have written from the standpoint of what will other people read instead of what is it that I want to say.

I am afraid of offending, of looking stupid, of not being funny enough, or deep enough, or smart enough. But I'm not sure blogging really needs to be about any of those. Clearly if I want fame blogging is not the way I'm going to get it, so I should stop thinking in my head that it's what will happen if I just do it "right" and instead actually just do it.

Even now I can feel myself over thinking "my next post", so I will try in moments like this to talk myself out of it and just write.

I always end these "the future of my blog" posts the same "I will blog every day" and I never do. So all I can say is, I would like to document these early days with TNG in a way that I can use to look back and remember them as she turns 4 and starts school, turns 17 and graduates from high school,  and that's as far as I can think because other than that I will not even imagine what steps lie in store for her, I look forward to her amazing and surprising me at every turn :)

At 5.5 months she's almost crawling and there is so much of this early journey that I could have recounted but for my pride and delusions :)

So I will try to stop writing for anyone other than me and I hope I will thank myself for it later.

With love,

~sarah~

Requested recipe - Peppercorn Brandy Cream Chicken (or Chicken Madagascar)

@GraceInTheKitchen tweeted the other day and asked what special dish we would like to have cooked tonight. I immediately replied "Chicken in a peppercorn brandy cream sauce". It's a delicious dish my Mum makes.

When I tweeted that I had a couple requests for the recipe. So I emailed my Mum and here it is. It is not an original family recipe but rather from a cookbook. I'm not sure what recipe posting rules are but the cookbook is credited. It's AMAZINGLY delicious and I highly recommend it. I could live on the sauce alone.

Please note: if you know where in Ottawa I can find green peppercorns please post in the comments or tweet me...my Mum can't find them at Bulk Barn anymore and they really make the recipe :)

Chicken Madagascar from Harrowsmith Cookbook Volume Two

INGREDIENTS
2 chicken breasts
Worcestershire sauce.
2 Tbsp unsalted butter
1 oz brandy
2 cloves garlic
1 oz strong chicken stock
2 Tbsp minced shallots
1/2 c whipping cream
1/2 Tbsp green peppercorns

DIRECTIONS
- Debone and skin chicken breasts (or just use boneless/skinless)
- Pound between wax paper until meat is of even thickness.
- Melt butter and saute garlic and shallots.
- Add chicken and brown lightly, but do not overcook.
- Remove meat and keep warm.
- Add peppercorns and Worcestershire sauce and mash peppercorns.
- Add brandy and chicken stock and cook over high heat to reduce liquid and deglaze pan.
- Reduce heat, add cream and salt and simmer, stirring constantly, until cream begins to thicken.
- Return chicken and continue to simmer until chicken is heated through.
Serves 2

We usually serve it over rice so that it absorbs the extra sauce, basically the rice becomes a sauce delivery system :) :) :)

ENJOY!

Location:Jackson Crt,Ottawa,Canada

No apologies

For a while now, but increasingly over the past week or so, I have been feeling defensive about the choices I am making in how I am raising my daughter.

I knew even before we got pregnant that I intended, to the best of my ability, to breastfeed, or at least pump and provide breast milk, for a year. I fought hard in our first few weeks to be able to breastfeed exclusively and I'm glad we were successful. However, other than breastfeeding I didn't know what kind of decisions lay ahead and what choices I would eventually make.

During the pregnancy we decided to buy an Arms Reach Co-Sleeper. Since I intended to breastfeed, keeping her close during the night made the most sense. I didn't realize that this would mean some nights while she was feeding we would both fall asleep. I had judged and thought poorly of parents who shared their beds with their children. So although she spends most of her nights in the co-sleeper, we do bed share for part of the night. She currently falls asleep around 8pm and if left to sleep will wake by 8:45am, and I wouldn't change a thing.

I loved the idea of baby wearing carriers early on, and she loved being in them. Seeing the world from my level, being able to look around and see everything that was going on. Once we figured out the Moby wrap, we were in heaven. Falling asleep and then napping in the carrier became a natural progression. If worn, she will sometimes take 2 full two hour naps during the day. Most days she takes 2 to 3 one hour naps in the carrier. Either way her overnight pattern stays the same.

I registered for a baby food processor while we were pregnant, with the intention of making my own baby food, however as I learn and read more I think we are moving towards more of a Baby Lead Weaning method of introducing food and feeding. We will give her easy to handle food that we are already eating and let her feed herself, discovering food she likes and how to eat. It sounds like it will be messy at first, but it also feels right for us.

I am now considering breastfeeding for a much longer period, and leaving it up to my daughter when to wean. This is something that I used to scoff at and even mock in other mothers. Since becoming a mother I now understand the desire to continue breastfeeding past one year. I am ashamed of my behaviour before becoming a mother and my horrible judgement. When I go back to work during the day I will pump and provide breast milk, but in while we are at home in the evenings, overnight and mornings, and as long as it continues to make sense for us, I intend to continue breastfeeding.

As long as we are breastfeeding at night, having her in the co-sleeper makes the most sense for us. She doesn't have to cry loudly or very long to get my attention, and neither of us really have to wake up. I always figured she'd be transitioning to a crib shortly, but because we are both getting good nights sleep we will keep her next to us for as long as it continues to work.

Nighttime and naptime are working for us right now and until things change we won't introduce the crib. I recognize that she won't be able to sleep in the Moby or Becco forever, but if something is working, why bother changing it. We will cross that bridge eventually. When we do start putting her in her crib, whether overnight or for naps, I don't intend to let her cry it out. I always thought we would, but then I had her and my ideas changed. I'm not sure what we will do to help make those transitions, but I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone to cry and figure it out on her own. Currently we use the crib as a happy place to read and play during the day so that when we start using the crib for sleeping she'll know it's a safe and happy place.

I was worried that my husband wouldn't support me, but he is wonderful as well as practical. He knows that I am with her all day and trusts my choices. He also agrees that if these things are working for us, and she is a happy and healthy baby, why change them. He also retains the right to raise concerns or have discussions when things start to change and to work together to make decisions learning about our choices and figuring out what works best for us as a family.

But even now I know I am writing this post to put all of my choices out there. Almost daring others to question me, to judge me. Whenever these topics come up with other people, especially other mothers, I feel like I introduce them from a place of insecurity and defense, waiting for them to try and change my mind or think badly of me. Even though these are things I feel strongly about and shouldn't feel insecure.

Where does this insecurity come from? I think my insecurities stem from a place within myself. That place that judged mothers before I became one. The place of ignorance before I knew what it was to be a mother. I mocked those women like they were celebrities on TMZ (and some of them were). And now I am one of "those" mothers and I'm not sure how to process my feelings knowing the ignorance and judgement that is out there.

Am I going to continue to feel this way about every decision I make for my daughter and any other children who come along? I hope not. I hope I can find a way to get passed these feelings of insecurity. How can I become more confident and less concerned about judgement? If my choices are made because they work for us, why am I insecure? Does every mother feel this way about the choices she makes?

My first step is to stop judging others. Then it will be to educate, not about the choices I make, but about the judgement we all have. I need to understand and make others understand that the choices themselves are not right or wrong. Each decision is right for each individual, each child, each family. If I want people to respect my choices, they need to know that I respect theirs. My fear of judgement needs to stop with me.

With love,
~sarah~

My affliction (or Why I Shaved my Head)

I don't talk about it much because, until recently, I hid it well.

I "suffer" from a condition called Alopecia Areata. Short explanation, I have bald patches all over my head due to hair loss. Longer explanation, I have an autoimmune disorder where my scalp views my hair as a foreign entity and attacks my hair follicles causing the hair to fall out. This leaves behind round bald patches all over my head, which increasingly expand and merge into larger patches.

I say "suffer" in quotation marks because there is no pain, other than maybe the treatment of sub-cutaneous injections of steroids into my scalp every 6 weeks. Or the pain in my heart when I dwell on the problem.

I had my first outbreak in my teens. Most people were not aware. Some who noticed would ask why I was so dumb as to shave my head in patches. I don't recall it bothering me too much when they would ask this, as it was their ignorance and had nothing to do with me.

Even until recently most people I told could not even tell, other than I have thin limp hair, but hey, lots of people have that problem.

During my teens the outbreak only lasted a short while, was never very bad and went away after a year or two, I barely even remember. This time I have been living with it since July 2008. We have no idea what brought it on, what's keeping it going or how to stop it. In a panic once in 2009 I threatened that if it got worse I would cancel my wedding, it got worse and I still got married. In a moment of seeming clarity I said I would not have a baby until it cleared up, it didn't clear up and I am now a mother. And I always said I wouldn't wear a wig unless it got really, really bad. A week ago I wore a wig out to dinner, and the next day I bought two more.

I wasn't hoping, but wondered if maybe hormones during pregnancy might clear up the problem. I knew it wasn't realistic but I speculated that chemical changes after child birth might correct the situation. I didn't expect anything but thought breastfeeding might strengthen my immune system. None of these things came to pass and my hair loss is now the worst it has ever been.

My thoughts are now whether or not I should just shave my head. My daughter and I start Baby and Me swimming lessons in a couple of weeks and I can already see my bright, white, scalp spots gleaming brightly through my stringy, wet hair as I meet other new Moms like me. Having to explain the condition repeatedly. No I don't have cancer. No it's not contagious. I hope we do an "introduce & tell us something about yourself" at the first lesson, only have to tell it once.

Overall I like to think I deal with the whole thing really well. I feel like I'm more worried and anxious about my hair when the condition is dormant than when it's falling out.

In the world of horrible conditions I got off easy. My condition attacks my vanity and my pride. I have no pain, no physical discomfort, no suffering. If given the option, I would not trade this in for something else.

I'm glad my daughter seems to have been born with my husbands hair.

I wish I liked wearing hats.

With love
~sarah~

Update

I finally shaved my head yesterday (May 17th).

My hair loss had continued at an increased rate and I was finding it everywhere and it was just adding insult to injury.  However, even with what little hair I had before I shaved it, it sure makes a huge difference when I look in the mirror.

The positive reponse I've received from friends and family and online friends has been amazing. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by so much positive support. It has made this part of the journey so wonderful.

Thank you!