After some initial nursing difficulties, we are finally on the right track with her regularly prompting me to feed and her gaining weight steadily, if still a little slowly.
And about a week ago we figured out how to nurse lying down in bed for our overnight feeds. Amazing, right?
It means I don't have to get up to a scheduled feed (with an alarm) in the middle of the night, put on my glasses, stumble around with a sleeping, swaddled baby and try to get her to wake long enough to feed to make the whole process worthwhile in the middle of the night. Perfect! Now I just listen for her to prompt me from the basinette attached to our bed, lift her in next to me and let her eat, while I lay here half asleep.
At least that's what I hope it will eventually turn into. Because at the moment...not perfect, because we're still learning, but mostly because I'm still concerned about weight gain (my doctor having made me a crazy person).
So turn on the light, luckily not too bright as my husband installed a dimmer on the lamp next to my side of the bed, then I bring my phone into the bed too, and check the time on it when she starts feeding, and do breast compressions when I feel like she's too sleepy at the breast, and check the time regularly to make sure she's feeding enough, and flip her to the other side before she's finished nursing on the first side to make sure she feeds evenly so I don't get engorged, and then stress when she won't take the other side because she's fallen back asleep, and then worry that I shouldn't have changed sides because she was feeding fine and would have gotten enough and now she's not and she won't gain enough (see...? crazy!), and then try to figure out if I should leave her in the bed with me in case she wants more right away or just put her back in her crib, and should I set an alarm to wake her just in case because she really didn't eat enough.
By this point I'm awake, so I put her back in her basinette, I go to the bathroom (I might as well since I'm up), then I go back to bed and talk myself down from my craziness and just as I'm falling back asleep I hear the little prompt (which I call boobie-noises) from her bed next to me and I'm relieved that she wants more and we start the process again.
Plus I usually pump after a good feed, as I have been doing to help protect my milk supply through this chaotic time, but when she feeds all over the map like this I don't feel comfortable pumping as I have no idea when she'll feed next and I worry about trying to feed her when there's nothing there, making her upset and possibly rejecting breastfeeding forever (I didn't say my worries were rational!)
Luckily my husband has not yet been disturbed by this process (at least I don't think he is), thank goodness he's a sound sleeper. I am blessed that he is and has been so supportive of this whole process because it has been difficult and has made us both a little crazy about her weight gain and feeding issues. Although he might say something when he gets up this morning, as I may have dropped my phone noisily down the back of the bed and then spent 10 minutes trying to retrieve it using a clothes hanger.
But although this has been quite a learning curve and not initially the most natural thing, I think nursing in bed when it works is blissful. The moment when she is properly latched, drinking voraciously, both of us half asleep. I can see her profile in the dim light and I just feel calm, peaceful and connected to this little life. Nothing tops this wonderful feeling.
The burden comes from the learning process, mixed with the worry given to me by my doctor. That being said I'm not sure I needed the doctor's help, worry seems to have been delivered along with this little bundle; is she eating enough, awake enough, asleep enough, playing enough, alert enough, enough wet diapers, was that mark there before, is she having trouble breathing, is she getting a cold, does she feel hot to you, and so on.
So we will continue to find these little moments of bliss in these overnight feeds as I expect the little moments of bliss will simply become the norm. And really this process of breastfeeding, which has been a challenge and stressful and chaotic, has been the most amazing and rewarding thing I have done since having her.
With love,
~Sarah
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