Being a mother = crazy?

This might seem like a crazy complaint, but I've discovered that being a mother I sometimes feel I worry about anything and everything, and am becoming neurotic.

She is 12 weeks now and sleeps well at night. She goes down after our 1hr bedtime feed at 8pm and usually wakes around 2am and we dream feed. And then again every 1.5hrs-2hrs for more dream feeding until whenever we wake. It's great, she feeds well, I sleep well, she sleeps well, everyone is happy.

Tonight I woke at 3am because my breasts were leaking everywhere and aching, she didn't wake me at 2am! So I panic and check her breathing. She's fine. But because of our early breastfeeding issues, and my GP making me crazy about weight gain early on, I want to wake her to feed her. She's always fed well at night (after our initial issues) but has started being fussy at the breast during the day. I have this fear that she won't eat enough if she doesn't eat overnight. But waking a baby that sleeps well at night feels ludicrous. I manage, through checking her breathing regularly, to wake her so she feeds a little, but not "enough" in my mind, and so I lie here awake and worried, which makes me feel like I'm losing it a little.

Between my achey leaking breasts, my fear that she's not breathing, my worry about her feeding, a sick cat banging it's recovery neck cone everywhere (a tale of woe...poor kitty) and to top it off a husband who is snoring like a freight train tonight, I can't sleep although everyone else (maybe not kitty) is fine!!!

This must sound ridiculous to mothers who have babies who don't sleep at night. Or to people who deal with real insomnia. And I do feel ridiculous typing this and stressing, but I'm worried about her feeding, my milk production and what is going on with her sleep and feeding during the day. I know babies are constantly changing and going through huge leaps and bounds, that nothing is constant,but it doesn't matter when things are going well in one respect, I worry anyway! Being wide awake at this hour for no other reason but my own brain makes me feel like I'm losing it a little. And being someone who has never suffered with insomnia I can add a worry about my own sleep patterns to my list of things that have my brain firing on all cylinders this morning (4am now).

And although this might sound like I'm complaining, I'm not. I wouldn't trade these concerns for the problems other mothers have. My daughter is an easy baby. I have nothing to complain about. Motherhood just seems to bring with it new sensitivities and being constantly concerned, even when everything is going well.

And yet I can label all of these feelings as the "joys of motherhood" and not sarcastically. I wouldn't change any of this. I am not at all unhappy. Maybe a little uncomfortable physically, mentally & psychologically...but after writing this all out and considering it all...it feels right in all of it's wonderful stressful chaos.

(I clearly need some sleep) :)

with love
~sarah~